The Blog

2008-08-21T04:00:00.000+08:00

I just want to write..

Stillness. Quiet calm. This is what the night means to me these days. Me, alone in my room, not able to sleep because I want to squeeze every second I can out of these moments. The night wraps around me, a blanket of brooding. Why is it every night that I long for the same thing? A reprieve. To hold in abeyance the oncoming changes dauntlessly careening its way into my life.

Never in my life had I been so free. I am my own man now, providing for myself.. setting my own limits. Yet I am not reaching my potential. I am stagnant in my current stage of life, this I know.. Yet why am I so afraid of taking that step forward?

If I met myself having this problem, I know what I would say: “be strong, hang in there. Everybody goes through this. This is just a leap you must face to get on with the rest of your life.” I know I am feeling this way because I am on the edge. This is hesitation biting me right before I take the dive. This is but normal.

No matter how many times I repeat these words (I have done so millions of times –a liturgy against my fears of the future), it is no match for the stillness of the night.

I will fall asleep. The night will end, and the day will pass me in the blink of an eye.

Again and again, it will repeat itself until the day comes when I take the plunge.

The thought of having to start again.. of finding my own way again is terrifying. But only because I am looking forward. I know this. Yes, I know this. And if I am to be perfectly honest with myself, my hesitation is borne out of concern for one person. My desire to be with that person.. and the knowledge of how being away will affect that one single person in this god-awful world of ours.

No, don’t be full of yourself. I am afraid.. in doubt of my ability to function without that person’s life support keeping my heart beating, day in and day out. I am a baby, safe and sound in his mother’s womb, terrified of the big loud world outside.

Sssh.. lets keep it a secret. Just between the two of us.. that I am capable of such thoughts.. of being so weak. Of writing words so soft and shallow, in doubt of my abilities, so full of insecurities. That I am clinging on to how things are when I know all too well, that things are just scary because they haven’t happened yet.

This is not me. This is just me during the night. When the stars are out and the moon is peeking behind the clouds. When the only sound I can hear is the sound of the electric fan’s engine churning away at the atmosphere of my room.. my world until the morning.

I just want to write.

Sweet dreams, my love.

Shootin the breeze

2008-03-26T02:29:00.001+08:00

Welcome to my mind -- stream of consciousness –

Isn’t it funny how nowadays when you look back at memories, you count back in years?

It doesn’t seem so long ago when a year for me seemed to go on forever. Time truly is a fickle thing.

A FEW YEARS AGO, I couldn’t imagine reminiscing about something that happened years ago. I was too busy being a kid. But I'm older now. And for lack of a better thing to do, thinking about YEARS ago serves a purpose.

Now, I’m thinking about high school.. About bridges burned and friends lost... about family... Year after year, one blurred into the next. Through the looking glass of my memories, everything is all muddled, save for those that I have treasured.

Found a picture the other day, the time stamp on it read 26 12 '95. We were kids then, my sisters, brothers, and I. Preserved in that picture is a memory of us... 13 YEARS younger. Me, skinny as a street urchin, huge gaps in my teeth, posing with my siblings as my uncle snapped the picture. We had just finished wrestling then. Fooling around. Happy times forever passed, save for that instant, preserved in the photograph.

Happy times forever passed.

Its funny how time flew. Despite my best effort, I blinked, and I missed a beat. Now I understand what people mean when they say time flows. It is not constant, not a line. It is a stream. Whether fast or slow, it will go by. It will continue flowing until it reaches a river. The flow becomes a current. The river reaches the ocean and the current becomes waves so big they can devour whole continents.

Time slips by. Time stands still. Time sneaks up on you. You cant keep track of time. Does time even exist? Or is it some awkward attempt at fathoming our being? Does a sense of measure of duration help us secure our place in the immensely complex tapestry/web/kaleidoscope of the universe/cosmos? Is time truly measured by the ticks in a clock? By the rounds of the sun and moon? By the flow of the ocean?

I put the DVD of my life into the player and press fast forward. I wonder what I will see? Is there any bonus content? Who will voice the commentary? Who is the cast of characters in the future chapters of my story? How did I do in the Box Office? Will people buy it for their collection, or just rent it? Please present your membership card. Remember: To Play is Human, but to Rewind is Divine.

Right now, I cannot imagine reminiscing about things that happened decades ago. Decades ago, I was still pooping my pants. But knowing what I know now, that time will come, when years will pass my by in the blink of an eye, and they become clusters in my hard drive, badly in need of defragmentation. The time will come when I will look back at this nonsensical entry, read it in its entirety, and think to myself “God. I really thought I was making sense when I wrote this.”

It is 2:13 AM. Good Night.

Fatherhood

2007-12-23T15:03:00.001+08:00

You once told me a long time ago that even though it is some other man's name written on my birth certificate, you still consider me as your son. You have no idea how great that made me feel.

Too bad now, i know its a load of shit. Sure, you may consider me as your son, but the way your treating your kids these days, i am not sure that is such a good thing. I dont think i want to be your son any more.

You know what made me stay here 7 years ago when i should have gone home to mom? It was how you used to take us to the movies every week. How you would talk to each of us, and how great it made me feel to have a father, and a real, more or less complete family again..

Now you cant scrounge up the courage to talk to us regularly. Its been years since you took us anywhere. And living in this house with you, is like living in a house with a zombie.

Yeah, you covered your bases. You checked with us to see if it was ok to re marry. I was the only one who had anything to say, but since everybody else was fine with it, so was i. Funny thing is, all the crap that i was afraid would happen happened. Things turned out EXACTLY as i thought they would that night in QC circle when you told us. Maybe i should have spoken up more.

This family is ruined. Whenever i think about it, it curdles my blood. Well, my siblings and i, were as solid as ever, but your part in this family has long been six feet under.

When you were asked how you felt about your daughter going to the states, you had the gall to say "I am so happy." When that same daughter was stuck in the airport, all you had to say was "Pray ka nalang." As if praying would have gotten here the 2,500 she needed to pay the man to help her get on the plane. If we hadn't insisted to go to the airport and give her the money, "Pray ka nalang" would have been all you did.

You dont give a shit im about to graduate. All you care about is you wont have to feed me anymore, im going to the states.

You didnt even ask us if it was ok for your wife to bust into our lives again. What in the seven circles of hell gave you the idea that that was a surprise we would enjoy? You kicked us out of our room without even saying a word. You gave me a fricking cell to sleep in without a pc or a tv, when i spent years in that room with you and mike.

You wonder why were so hostile toward your stuck up wife? Maybe she's just collateral. Maybe, just maybe, were fed up with you.

You think just because were not kids anymore means you can stop caring for us? That we dont need any guidance now that were all over 16? That you can spend all your time with your new wife and expect us not to care? whats more, you expect us to LIKE her? She isnt even half the woman mom is. she just came into some money.

Yeah, I blame her. But i blame you too.

To think that i worked so hard to please you. I never did get that "im proud of you" i craved for so long ago.

You dont deserve us as your children. You stopped deserving us the moment you stopped caring.

That name written on my birth certificate? That name belongs to my father.

Its funny how i think of myself now as the bastard son of mom and Jose U. Macaspac. And im proud when i do. Cause my dad's a writer. and from what i'm slowly learning, a really good one at that. He's the one i took after, thank god, and not you. One things for sure. When I have children.. Ill take after you from before you met that woman of yours. From then on, all you did, ill flip on its head.

Bye.

Maleficent

2007-12-23T14:44:00.001+08:00

As if anything you can say can scare me. Wow. Go ahead. Disconnect the DSL. Ill get it right back up. In my own room. As if you hold any sway over me. Dream on. As far as I am concerned, you are not here. So disappear. Vanish. At least until we can abandon this ship that you single-handedly sunk.

I am a rat. Rats rock.

We don’t care about your two houses in Rancho whatever. We don’t care about your cars or your Louis Vuitton. We don’t care if your daughter is the President of the Universe. We don’t care about you. So take your walker and walk away. Take your zombie with you.

At least until we can desert this ship that you single-handedly sunk.

You cant talk to me with a raised voice and expect me to listen. I am not a child. I can probably talk better than you without having to raise my voice.

I have my own will, my own reason. All you had to do to make things more pleasant here was understand that. So you go ahead and take the high ground.

Im gonna sit here, listening to my mp3s, not giving a rat’s ass what youre saying.

All I hear from you is static. So go ahead and cry. Wail away. Say you feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated. Cause you are. Nice to know youre not oblivious to the obvious.

Salome. Tyra. Mudra. This is all you are. Mom was right.

I am no Sleeping Beauty, no Princess Aurora.

I am a Rat. I am deserting this sinking ship that you single-handedly sank.

You can kiss my ass.

progeny

2007-03-28T20:30:00.000+08:00

this past few months, i have been on a sort of journey.. some personal mission to find out about my parents' past and to learn about my biological father..

I learned a lot.. even found out what my dad's last name was.

i learned that he was a reporter.

for a long time, i had been wondering where i got my affinity with the written word, when everyone else in my family seemed more interested in the technical stuff.. well, i guess writing ran in my blood.. my biological father, lets call him joemac, was a reporter during the marcos era.. and apparently, he was a damn good one, because he scored a neeman fellowship in hardvard.

my mom only started telling me about him a few months ago. she said that joemac knew lots of influential people when he was still alive...

i talked to one of those influential people and learned that i had four half brothers...

i also learned a bit more about joemac.

and a learned probably more than i should have about the innerworkings of this fine country..

i had a backstage pass on history.. i learned what happened behind the scenes. and some of it chilled me to the bones. i probably shouldnt even be blogging about it.. and i wont.. thats enough of that.

anyway.. i also talked to this 'contact' about ojts and he was more than happy to help. He advised that i should intern over at the business newspapers if i truly wanted a taste of journalism. he wrote me a letter of introduction to the news editor of business mirror, dionisio pelayo, and told me to apply there. i value this man's oppinion so much that i scrapped my applications to inquirer, businessworld, and the philippine star. he said that pelayo knew joemac. perhaps, i could learn a bit more about my father through this man..

and so, i start as a trainee reporter on the mirror along with my trusty sidekick (joke!), xam this april 10.. while i have no idea how to write news stories, my contact said that it can be learned easily enough, and that i came from good stock.

now that comment right there gave me a lot to think about. these people.. joemac's old friends.. they are going to be watching me, interested in the progeny of the great reporter. its a lot of pressure.. he even asked me how come i did not retain joemac's last name.. i had no answer to that.. judging from the look on his eyes when i walked into the room and introduced myself, he
is expecting a lot out of joemac an moppy's son... joemac the hardvard fellow. jaypee the underachiever.

bah, best not dwell upon it..

ill deliver. i always do.

--------
DAMN, its hot. Why cant my contemplatative mood hit me when the weather is more comfortable? im sweating buckets.

summer's here.

out!

*i purposely left names out of this post. i dont know why... it just seems like a smart thing to do. plus.. trip ko ung pamysterioso effect. :)) haha!!

3rd year

2007-03-26T10:44:00.000+08:00

Whats up with blogspot? @_@

i have been gone for a seriously long time, i know.. but damn! things have changed.. apparently, blogger's out of BETA and they added all these new... stuff.. that I'm not sure if i like or don't like. *shrugs* ah, well... no skin off my nose.

The reason why i didn't log on for soooooooooooooooooooooo long was simple: I didn't feel like blogging for a while. I put myself on a self imposed hiatus from blogging. Why? Cause i found it tedious. Probably because most of the time, i had nothing of substance to write about, in the first place.

anyway, I'm back! and i have a lot of things to tell this good ol' blog o mine.

First up.. third year's done. My junior year is behind me. I only have one year left to go in this fine institution, THE ROYAL, PONTIFICAL, CATHOLIC, UNIVERSITY OF SANTO TOMAS.. one year, and I'm done (that is, unless i get in some serious trouble or find myself slacking off waay too much, which probably might happen, knowing me =P)... which is a really scary thought.. wait.. i don't think scary is the right word, because its not that I'm scared.. hmm.. exhilarating. i think that better fits.

Allow me a metaphor.. (na solid sa kabaduyan)

I am at the edge of the cliff, with the bungee chord tied securely around my ankles... im looking down at the drop, mustering the nerve to take the flying leap. Oh, ill dive right in, mind you.. no chickening out me. I am looking at the long drop down, and am praying to God that the chord doesnt snag or snap. i am taking a deep breath.

Im at the point in my life when everything is arrayed in front of me, and its up to me to pick and choose. It is an incredibly exciting feeling. and i guess, it is this way of thinking that sets me apart from some of my peers. some find it scary, facing the future. the future is something that is made. no point in fearing that, as far as im concerned. It is power.

future good! future our friend! dont fear future.

im sure when the time comes, ill spread my arms wide and jump off the cliff, wide eyed and excited, yelling and laughing and all the way down.

'waaaahoooooo!! geronimoooooooooooo!!'

gosh. all of a sudden, i have this strong urge to bungee jump.

-------------
this last couple of months have been interesting. There were lots funny moments (I like the word 'funny'.. it can mean so many things =P) that i probably wont forget for quite some time.

then, there were GREAT moments.. mostly brought about by my friends and our intense bond..

overnight at paolo's to EARN a 95 at photojrn,
my puking all over the bathroom in pao's bday party..
OJT hunting.. and of course, SOURCE and GENERALS, to name a few...

then, there are the AWESOME, UNBELIEVABLY GREAT, 'HOLY SHIT!' moments that only one person in the entire universe can make happen.. :)

like my huge surprise birthday party a week ago (THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!),
all the time she spent hours in my house, working on our thesis (and bonding with my family),
and the indescribable march25.. :) what an awesome day..

of course, there are those moments that arent even worth blogging.. but then again, there are always gonna be those moments.

i've grown a lot this year.. ive gotten more calculating, less impulsive. i know my piorties, and i have never been so confident before. sure, there are problems, but none of them are insurmountable.

with my friends and my girl at my side, the future looks bright indeed.

with my skills and my talents. with my will and determination to see myself and mine through,

look out.

and so, i end another school year, another typical thomasian, ab, journ, year in this section, with its mountains of work, and its unending "issues" with that signature self satisfied smirk of mine.

im happy with my year.

Somethings bugging me..

2006-12-10T21:09:00.000+08:00

Its nothing serious.

I dont know.. I feel kind of.. heavy.

Thats the best word I can think of to describe it, really. Lethargic, maybe? Apathetic? I have no idea. All i know is, something's bugging me. Its weighing me down.

Dont get me wrong. Im not depressed. Im not sad. In fact, im quite happy. Its just that somethimes, when im alone in the house, when i find myself doing the same things over and over again, i get to thinking..

There has to be something better that i should be doing, other that zonking out in front of one screen or another, or burrying my nose in books.

Ive fallen into a routine, and i cant stand it.

Get up, go to school, sit for three hours, try to stay awake, play pc games in between classes with my friends, go back to classes, try to stay awake, go home, sleep.

dont even get me started on my routine for days without class.

my only respite from the mind numbing monotony of it all are the stolen moments i have with trish. It is only during these times that I feel.

Seriously.

I numbly go about the whole day, trying to squeeze a semblance of MEANING out of this existance of mine. I feel like a freaking robot. But then again, when were together, all that junk gets thrown out the window and i feel as light as a feather. But then, my girl has to leave and FWOOP!! the darkness closes in on me all over again.

It is at its worst when im on my way home, and im trying to catch a ride. That is when i feel the most alone. I cant even text her cause its not safe whippin your phone out in public in this country. Its awfully frustrating standing in the street trying to catch an fx that seems to atually try to avoid you, while yearning for the softness of a pillow under my head.

I guess this just goes to show that that girl is the center of my life right now. God. That is a really scary thought, really. I dont know if thats romantic, or pathetic. Probably both. Well.. shes the single thing that makes me happy, thats for sure.. she's that light at the end of the tunnel that i find myself clinging to.. Gosh.. im such sap. Gotta get a grip.

Well.. whatever..

Que Cera Cera.

Out.

Its begining to look a lot like Christmas

2006-12-02T18:00:00.000+08:00

It is the second day of December. Christmas is just a few weeks away.

I can almost here those sleigh bells ringing and jing ting tingaling too!

Who am i kidding? The closest thing to a sleigh here in this Gran ole' country of ours are the karitons. And those things are not pulled by any four legged creatures with antlers and 'a very shiny nose'. Well, most of the time. It would be quite a sight, though, i must admit.

Anyway, you know its nearing that time of year when you turn on the TV and get bumrushed by all the christmas movies.

I got to watch Home Alone 2 for the zillionth time this morning. Its funny how that movie never gets old.

Then, i got to watch Christmas With The Cranks, which was a suprisingly entertaining movie.

Then, my older brother burst through the door, saying. "I need to look mean! I need to look mean!"

I looked at him, and one sound came out of my mouth that said it all: "Huuuuhh?!"

Apparently, he and his boss were going to go to DAPITAN to look for some cheap Christmas Decorations for his office. He had some highly exaggerated thoughts about the danger of walking around in that street, especially while wearing business clothes. I laughed in his face then led him to dad's closet. I told him that Dapitan wasnt THAT dangerous, but he wouldnt believe me, saying "Taga dun si Boy Tusok!" What can i say? Aparently, weirdness is in our blood.

I grabbed him a white tee-shirt with the logo of the Talk and Text Phone Pals and sent him on his way. They even left their car and commuted there because they were afraid it would be too 'sosi'. Oi vey. It did, however, give my sister and me a nice big laugh. to think that we didnt see our brother for what.. like.. four months now? Yeah.. thats about right.

Anyway.. Soon. Christmas will be upon us. Well go crazy shopping for gifts, preparing for parties, singing christmas songs, and all the other assorted goodies that we do during the christmas season.

It is easy to forget that Christmas isnt all about all those things. It isnt the Money burning shoping spree that "the man" has turned it into. Im sure you all know the true meaning of christmas.

If you dont, then you might want to think about that.

Peace out! ^_^

bored

2006-11-26T22:05:00.000+08:00

I'd like to say that im getting into the swing of things by this third week of this sem, but that would be lying. and a good journalist never lies. yeah. Right.

anyway, the schedule is still killing me.

And, im still having trouble shaking the cob webs off of my mind. god. i really emptied my head over the break, and my mind is in athrophy. :P Its so sluggish, its kind of funny. Ask my friends. Ive been a kind of a clutz lately. Scattered brained, unable to concentrate. I suspect that this is just my brain warming up. Hopefully, the month long inactivity that i went through did not cause any brain damage. I need my brain. I think.

and that, my friends, is one of the reasons that i havent been keeping this blog updated. That, and ive just been plain too lazy. :P

I guess i am in desperate need of something intellectually stimulating to do to get my mind back on par, but.. good luck. in this house? Ha! =D

Well, at least i retain my speaking and understanding capabilities. maybe i could build on that. :P

I did notice, however, that this sem is full of classes i dont like. Art Ap, for one. From the very start, i despised it. I saw no point to it. Ill be the first to admit that i dont have a single artsy bone in my body, and i could tell right from the start that this was going to be a major pain for me. Then, the professor opened her mouth and practically sealed that oppinion. Gosh. I'd drop that class in a heartbeat if it wasnt such a hassle. If you dont know what the word SNOOTY means, you ought to drop by during art ap and listen to our teacher. "Do you know what i mean?"

In fact, upon thought, i cant seem to find a subject this sem that I am even moderately interested in. Its all subjects that I can easily sleep through. No remarkable teachinbg personalities. No fun subject matter. just the same old lectures. the same old writing. gosh.. this is actually getting old. Im getting really bored here.

But then, there is Photo journ class. that might, just might be interesting. I dont know, though. Ill just wait and see, i guess.....

well.. i guess thats all for today. no real sense in this entry.. just trying to get something written before i forget how to do THAT. wwe cant have that, now, can we?

well, im off to stare at the wall some more. peace out! ^_^

bored

2006-11-26T21:50:00.000+08:00

Bangkok

2006-10-30T18:20:00.001+08:00

Oh, yeah!!

Im going to Bangkok Tomorrow.. Thats in Thailand, for all of you who did not listen to Mr. Mabahague. (I doubt thats the right spelling.)

I hafta work on some paperwork over there.. but what the heck, right?? might as well get some sight seeing done. :P

im going to be gone for 4 days, more or less.

The sad part is, I wont be able to text my tishie T_T im going to be missing her like crazy.

However, this is going to be a very fun experience, i hope. I get to chalk up Thailand my been there, done that list. :P

Im gonna travel the world!! ^_^

peace!

Blog!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-30T18:20:00.000+08:00

Okay.. since my last decent entry, a WHOLE LOT of things happened:

==HELLWEEK==

This Sem's version of Hellweek was tough!! we had so much to do! It made my head spin.
there was a magazine, a newspaper, and a survey. Plus, we had to train hamsters.. which, everyone now knows, can be reeeeaaaalllllllllly stoopid. It was infuriating trying to get a hamster through a maze.

especially when we only had one day. oh, yeah. procrastination rocks.

but we survived! Thanks to an emergency no-sleep-allowed overnight session in paolo's house, wich was an INCREDIBLE experience (not necessarily a good thing, mind you), we were able to pass the Magazine on time.

Thanks to some shrewd last minute tactics, we were able to get our hamsters out of our damned maze.

after those two, everything else just... fell into place.

==BAGUIO==

As a sigh of relief, trish invited me to go to bagio with her barkada.

baguio with my girlfriend? HELL YES!

We shelled over 700++ bucks for transportation. It was a loooooooong bus ride to bagiuo. somewhere in excess of 7 hours. :P But daaaamn! it was fun. :) it was nice being so close to my mumu, having her fall asleep in my shoulders., And she came prepared!! ^_^ there was no shortage of snacks for us to munch on. :P

I wish we could do something like that again.. :)

When we got to Baguio, we stayed in the NAPOLCOM headquarters in Teacher's Village, where trish's uncle lived. Then, we spent 3 days doing things that people who visit baguio do. We looked at the sights, ate the food, and took a whole lot of pictures!!!! too bad tishie wont upload hers yet.. T_T

Before we knew it, time was up. We hopped onto another bus, and headed home. This bus had movies!! I got to watch Transporter II, and Slither. Slither sucked by the way. The trip home wasnt as fun as the trip to baguio.. because.. trish was suffering from Lock Jaw. Her Tempolomandibular join was hurting.. and, hr ears were popping.. T_T i couldnt do anything about it...

Anyway.. when we got home, i took a taxi with trish all the way to las pinas. I couldnt let her commute in that condition, carrying her bags. What can i say? im sweet that way. :P

I spent the night in laspinyas in her house, then, went home the next day, late in teh afternoon. :P

==Sembreak!!==
Its sembreak, everybody!! That means, NO MONEY!! YEHEY!!! I just enrolled for next sem a few days ago.. i gotta tell you. our schedule really sucks. I mean it.. We have classes from the mornng till night. Breaks only last 30 minutes T_T

To top it off, we have ART APPRECIATION. Gosh, where does THAT figure into journalism?? haha! I'd like to see the prof reason THAT ONE out. :P

Rei's birthday was that day, so he treated us to KFC.

then, tishie and I watched World Trade Center. It was an Okay Movie. It would have been better had there not been total idiots watching with us.

==Anniversary== *Mush alert!!*

Trish and I have past the one year mark this month. It has been an awesome year. We have been through so much. But we stuck together. We grew up together. :) That girl.. she's my life now. For the simple reason that I know im nothing without her. I love her soooooooo much... and i cant wait to see what the future has in store for us. But i do know that whatever it is, when the dust settles, well be together.

I love you, bubu ko!!!! ^_^

Well, basically, thats all the stuff that i DID NOT BLOG ABOUT, in condensed format. :P this blog is officialy caught up. :P

Ta-Da!!

2006-10-26T13:21:00.000+08:00

The funny thing about HTML for me, is.. It IN NO WAY is like riding a bike. After a year or so of not doing any HTML programming, i found myself having a hard time finishing this new look for my poor, neglected blog.

But thanks to the unlimited amount of time afforded to me by sembreak, i was able to dig back into the depths of my old blog layouts and basically relearn the tricks i used on them.

The result is:

This.

Its messy, i know. but then again, messy was what i was going for. Messy is SO me.

for some reason though, i cant get haloscan to work. :( maybe its down or something.

I learned one big thing about myself when i made this design: I have no eye for color. The other layouts really hurt my eyes. I have no idea what color goes with which, so I decided to stick with the good ol' black, white , and grey. This was what forced me to toss my wizard of oz idea out the window. Gosh. that was just.. disturbing. *shudders*

Well.. i guess now that i have a new layout, i i should start posting again. And that, I will.

Ill get this blog caught up soon.

Peace out!! ^_^

screwed up keybo@rd

2006-09-18T19:33:00.000+08:00

my keyboard is pretty screwed up. i c@nt type @ny of the left-est keys, (q,a,z, tab, ctrl, shift,esc) unless i use the on-screen keybo@rd. So th@ts mking blogging @nd gener@l us@ge of the the computer @ big p@in..

hmm.. but i re@lly miss bloggin, so ill simply us substitute ch@r@cters, k? this is one entry th@ts going to look re@lly weird. oh well.

well.. @LOT hs h@ppened since I l@st blogged. My d@d's wife c@me by for @ visit. Well, I guess I c@n st@rt c@lling her my stepmom now. i @dmit, its still @ bit @wkw@rd, but shes @ pretty nice l@dy. @nd she pimped our house pretty well. so shes ok@y in my book. Sides.. she re@lly put in huge effort to show us th@t she c@res @bout us @s well.

@nd, our fridge h@s been j@mp@cked ever since she c@me. tht brings M@JOR points to the bo@rd. =))

my blog's new l@yout h@s been put on thr b@ck burner for @ while, since i h@vw SO much to do, my he@d's st@rting to spin. =P but wh@tever, I c@n h@ndle it. I @lw@ys did m@n@ge to get the job done. N ch@nging th@t. Sides.. if I sl@ck off, i'd get my @ss kicked by my groupm@tes. th@ts four different groups. Th@t would result in some serious @ss p@in.

bout the l@yout, im going for something @ bit more whimsic@l. kind@ inspired by WIZ@RD OF OZ. if @ll works out, it should end up looking kind@ like @ children's book. =P

hmmm... s@me old cr@p in cl@ss..

its funny.. you try to mind your own business.. you try to st@y out of others people's w@ys. but they @lw@ys end up getting @ffected. Why do some people think im out to ruin them? when @ll i w@nt is pe@ce @nd quiet (well.. m@ybe not so much quiet =P) gosh, people @re getting m@d @t me over things th@t @re so ridiculous, it isnt even funny @nymore. =)) sorry to burst your bubbles, but not every one (@ctu@lly, none) of my l@me jokes or stupid comments pert@in to @ny of you. n@d@. when I fin@lly think th@t somethings h@ve fin@lly died down @ bit, some other person gets pissed off @t me. gw@rsh. im not doing @nything wrong. =p promise. =P

b@h, enough of th@t..

hehe.. to my tishie n@.

alam kng uber boognootin ako this past few weeks. im soweeeeeeee. hehe.. eh kasi nmn.. alam mo na. =P. put up with me a bit more. =) ill get over this funk sooner or later..i know how lucky I am to have someone as awesome as you to brighten up my day. thank God for you =P nak. BADUY.

I LOVE YOU.. and nothing is ever going to change that, no matter how weird I act sometimes.

gosh.. n@isip ko bigl@ ung l@h@t ng k@il@ng@n ko g@win for school, @nd how time is kind@ sne@king p@st. =P h@h@!!!!! pressure. b@h. h@ykendudis. =P

hmmmmmmmm.. well.. n@k@k@ t@m@d rin xe m@gtype ng@yon, eh.. so ill end this funny looking blog entry mun@.. :)

pe@ce!!!! ^_^

++EDIT++

my d@d @nd @ bunch of his church friends @re in the living room, m@king full use of our new M@GIC SING. Its @ctu@lly @ pretty funny sight. Theyre getting pretty d@mn compet@tive!! they even got Duet contests goin on. =))

huwaw. its wierd seein d@d singing b@ckup for the beetle's if I fell in love. Hill@rious!!!! the kicker is, they h@vent h@d @n ounce of beer!! =)) or @nything @lcoholic. =P

MAKEOVER!!!

2006-08-06T20:59:00.000+08:00

at last, at long long last, my blog is getting a well deserved facelift.. so while thats in the works, i might not be able to ubdate as regularly, okay?

i refuse to let this thing die!!!!!!!!!!!

time to brush up on my web design skills. :P

out! ^_^

Bloggers Block.

2006-08-02T07:47:00.000+08:00

I have logged into this blog a lot of times since my last entry. I look at the screen and always find that i have a hard time thinkng of anything to blog about. So, I end up clicking the little orange X at the top right corner of my screen and leave it at that.

Today is no exception.

I think that the cause of this sudden bloglessness is the fact that I am already writing so much as it is. Nearly every day, I write about one thing or another for school. I think this is my mind tying to get a bit of a break from trying to sort out the jumbled mess that is my thoughts and laying them out nice and neat on paper.

Just reporting in.

Im alive, im happy, and I have a confession article to do, due in a few hours. Feature Writing.

The Jrn Acquaintance party came and went. The party itself wasnt bad. But the food, as expected, sucked ass. But I didnt really care. I loved my company. ^_^

Prelims are damn near.. time to start worrying about paying my installment.

And one final thought.

Its hard to believe that I am already a Junior. Jeez.. time sure flew by. I remember school years lasting much longer than these past few ones. To think that next summer, we have to start looking for OJTs. Next year, were doing our thesis. Then, who knows what comes next? Well.. I guess I am in that moment when I take a few breaths before jumping into the rest of my life. Its an odd feeling, really. When Im not not caring about it, Its a kind of excitement. Of course, there are fears. But not so much. I cant wait to see whats in store, but at the same time, I wish that time would slow. Like the Ataris said. These are the best days of our lives. I want to enjoy them before they totally pass me by.

peace!

Rainy Days

2006-07-13T13:50:00.000+08:00

Geeeeeeez! Its been pouring!! Were way beyond cats and dogs, here.. were talking tigers and wolves.

Class has been suspended for two days straight now, thanks to the torrential downpour. That means we get a free week long extension on all standing assignments for the affected classes. =P

To top it off, there are no classes tomorrow, on the count of it being a Friday. haha! I have a feeling that Nhet's gonna have a hissyfit since we didnt get a chance to conduct our survey for filipino yet, and she wants the results by saturday. Im not really worried, though.. Im sure Ill figure something out..

Well, our internet is on the fritz again.. big suprise. Damn PLDT.. but it seems to be working pretty well right now, so i figured id get an entry in, just to keep this blog alive.

Gotta say, though. Im enjoying the weather. The wind sure feels nice. And the mist that goes through the window when it rains really makes for good sleeping, allbeit at the risk of pneumonia. =))

I noticed something.. My allowance is not enough. I finds myself constantly wanting in the cash department. What with the absurdly long breaks and the three hour classes, i find myself spending much more than I did during the previous semesters. Too bad an increase in my allowance is out of the question. Were all still broke.

Oh, yeah!! Last June 6, my very first true blue Nephew was born. My big brother is now a father! The cute little guy's name is Leon Dale. Needless to say, I had no hand in the naming of the child and am perfectly content in calling him "Little Baby". We visited my Brother and Adi a few days back to see Little Baby. He has a head full of hair and was very very balbon. I videoed him for a bit. My brother, being the man that he is, decided to sing his first born son a couple of songs from the movie, Eurotrip. It was hillarious. Imagine rocking a baby in your arms while singing Scottie Doesnt know and the Manchester United version of Morning Train.

Ah, the wonder that is life. =P We asked Adi when we should expect the next baby. Haha.. The look on her face told us that Little Baby was going to be an only child, if she has any say in the matter. Her pregnancy had not been a very fun one. >_<

Oh-kay!! fresh out oh things to write about. Till next time! ^_^

The ghost of a good thing

2006-07-03T19:54:00.000+08:00

My stomach hurts. Yeah. Im trying to remember exactly when it was that i swallowed a knife, cause that is exactly how it feels like. I feel like taking a shit. But then again, shitting out a knife might not be such a fun experience.

But you know what, i'd much rather deal with shitting out a knife that deal with the shit thats happening in our class.

I guess its human nature to find someone to hate. Now that all of the real hatables in our class has been culled away (im thinkin masajo here), weve started hating each other. Gone are the days when we had someone to hate as a collective. Gawd, those days were fun.

If i had known that the shawl wearing gabriella held such a valuable part in the cohesion of our class, i might have not been so hostile towards him. Oi vey. C'est la vie.

The fickle peace lasted a while. Then one bad thing happened after another. Heads got inflated. Tempers got frayed, and fingers got pointed. Now, amidst the hahahas and the hohohos, what looks like smiles are actually fangs being bared.

But i've got to hand it to my friends. Amidst the shitstorm tempest we find ourselves surrounded in (again) everyday, we are as tight as we have ever been. Tighter, even. Though a few of us arent with us anymore, and there are but a few of us left, our bonds are tempered and unfrayable. I have a solid foundation. No matter what i say, or do, or believe. No matter who i fall in love with, or hang out with, or jam with, and no matter how much time i spend with my girlfriend, I know i can always count on them to be in my corner. We might look like the class idiots. Like the noisy hooligans in the classroom, but that just proves how much people dont know about each of us. All they see are the four rambunctious boys fooling around (one with hair that seems to yell "hate me! i have long hair!"), a girl with weird taste in friends and a quiet guy in the middle. Whose only cares in the world are wreacking havoc and playing Counterstrike.

Gotta love that judgementality.

All i know is, im luckier that most, because i know who my friends are. Without a shadow of a doubt, no matter what. not everybody can say that with the same conviction i can. Xam, Doray, Jene, Pao, Rei, Ron, and Sherman will never let me down.

Trish will never let me down.

And thats a fact, Jack.

As for those who are trying to bring me down, sniggering behind my back, cooking up nasty little scenarios in the nooks and crannies of their narrow little minds, then spreading their bile to others, I have a few words for you: God hates hypocrites, and so do I. Might wanna look up that word, though.. If you dont know what it means. Here's a link. Just so you have an idea.

Its called a life and a clue. You might want to get one, preferably both. I will not deign to your level though, so have fun.

Comprende? Bueno.

I look back, and it saddens me. I guess I have been naive. I expected things to go back to the way they were. When everything was fun and everyone was happy. When there was no back fighting and hostilities, and everybody could sing one song. I have been chasing the ghost of a good thing. 1jrn2 has been dead for a while now, and I guess its time for me to finally burry it along with all of the sweet memories held.

C'est la vie. I wonder what charts would say if she walked into our classroom tomorrow? rc? tey? haha.. such a sad thought..

RIP, 1jrn2.

Esta es vida. La vida es dificil.

School

2006-06-28T11:55:00.000+08:00

Its been a while. But i have a valid reason, I promise! our DSL's been down. Well, technically, it hasn't been down per se, but rather running slower than dialup, which was unheard of until now. It was so slow in fact, that it took ten minutes to load our Google home page. Damn..

Anyway, i guess i have a lot to write about.. and since i have school in three hours, i had best be quick about it.

As the line above suggested, school started. Actually, were in the first month. The schedule sucks, with huge gaping voids in between three hour long subjects in pretty ungodly hours. thats right, three hour long subjects. I sumetimes feel like bonking my head against my desk, having been sitting there not listening to the teacher for three hours straight. It can get maddening at times, especially when im uninterested and a lecture is going on (and im always uninterested when a teacher is lecturing [about the subject, anyway]). The subject are way more releavant, though. And i feel that the stuff i lean this year will be very useful in the future.

There. Enough about school.

-----

argh. my time is running out. i wanted to write about our misadventures during the flood at ust yesterday (yes, we were stranded), and about this strange feeling i got while reading "The Giants", im short on time. and i still havent taken a shower yet. I guess they will have to wait.

peace out! ^_^

Shift.

2006-06-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

I dont know why i am so angry.

Whenever the subject of shifting courses reaches my ears, my blood boils. I am not exactly sure why.

I am about to rant. Prepare yourself. Feelings might get hurt, but right now, i dont really give a rats arse. I might take this entry down later when my head has simmered. I have a feeling that im about to say some really stupid things, but like i said.. as of this moment, i care not.

first up. Im no fan of the curriculum in our school. i am among the many who thinks that at the moment, it sucks goat piss. so discard that thought.

now.. Im tired of losing friends because they want to shift. Especially this late in the game. but yeah.. i understand them. Im not gonna fault them for realizing that journalism is not for them, that they are not going to be happy if they continue on with the course. Yeah, its gonna be a bitch to catch up on all those wasted units, but they are doing what they feel is right (and probably is right for them), and i have the utmost respect for that.

but for those who want to bail out because they are afraid that they wont have much of a future because of the course they have taken up, shit.. that really pisses me off.

Thankfully, we do not yet live in the kind of world where the degree validates the holder. The degree you have does not dictate your future. That is for you and the lord to decide The future is for you to make happen. "Good futures" dont fall into your lap. You make them. Even if you did major in Money Making from the most prestigious Money Making University in the face of the planet.

Some people seem to have it stamped into their heads that "Shit! i have a jrn degree! that means im going to be stuck as a crummy reporter for the rest of my miserable life. That or become some kind of auxillary teacher who could be booted out in an instant because I do not have a teachers degree. OR a call center agent."

Damn, i hate that kind of thinking. I hate the fatalistic attitude behind it. I hate fatalism in general.

Fear of the future.. yeah, i admit. i sometimes have bouts with that problem.. Everybody in my stage of life does.

But to allow it to take hold. To cost you sleep.. To let it get you to doubt your ability.. and to DREAD the FUTURE. To be so terrified of it that you stay up till the wee hours of the morning, imagining the terrible one that MUST await you. GAWD. this attitude just flares my temper.

I HATE IT.. with a burning passion.

Especially when you turn out to be someone i care about.

I dont doubt that having a good degree is a good thing. And that it will help you immensely in getting a job. But that isnt the only factor. Why in Gods green earth do we each have our own unique skills, our own personalities, and abilities, if that were so. Gosh. Look at my sister. She took up Psych. Now shes in charge of setting up commercials and events for Solar, ETC., and other like TV channels. This was supposedly a job for an advertising major or some other Fine Arts Graduate.. how come my sister seems to be doing so good at it? I fail to see how psych figures into making a good comercial. She got the job because the people who hired her saw her as an asset.

And shes the shy one in the family.

Your life is yours to live. Rise up and live it. Dont be a slave to the institution of the degree. . Dont be afraid of your future. Ive been there, and I scoff at the memory. The future is a beautiful thing, if you make it that way. We are in that stage of our lives where we are most able to determine how we spend it. dont waste the time. use it.

Im starting to sound like Richard Rahl, I know --which is not necessarily a good thing because hes getting more and more preachy. Or like some self-righteous prick trying to ram what i think into other peoples heads. Maybe I am.

But I have here a rats arse that needs to not be cared about.

Out!

Eco System

2006-06-01T01:33:00.000+08:00

I remember, back when I was a wee lad, the tender age of nine.. I loved watching the "Wild Discovery" in discovery channel. This was pre-Animal Planet. I was fascinated by the cheetas, and the rhinos, and the anacondas, and the great white sharks that i would find there. my mom and i would get into heated arguments whenever this came into conflict with her "seinfeld", "married with children", and "mad about you" fix.

I also remember one day, while watching disney channel, i saw this show with jeff corwin. I think it was called "going wild with jeff corwin". He said that he was a zoologist. He went into deserts, and rainforests, and tundras, and plains, and fed animals stuff out of his hands.

that was when i decided i wanted to spend the rest of my life doing what that jeff guy was doing. I was going to be a zoologist.

I used to go around the neighborhood with a power rangers blanket (that was supposed to be my net so that i could capture the new species of animals that i would discover and name them after myself.) terrorising the neighbors pets and poking around in their bushes until my mom asked me what i was doing and why i was trying to wrap the neighbor's lawn ornaments with my favorite blanket.

yeah, i had a killer imagination, even at that age.

Anyway, what prompted mw to write about this is a few minutes ago, at around 1:30 am, I went into the bathroom for a quick shower. When i opened the door, i nearly screamed because therewas this huge spider right in front of me. It took a suprising amount of willpower to prevent myself from saying "crikey, anit she a beauty?" ala Steve Irwin. I ran to the room, grabbed my cameraphone, and took a picture. this was a huge spider.

then, i looked around and i saw on the wall adjacent to the one the spider was currently staring at me from was two lizards trying to tear each others necks apart.

On the floor, by the shower drain was a roach. god knows what it was doing there.

and this suprised me almost as much as the spider did: there was a centipede, merily crawling its way up the sink.

needless to say, i turned off the light and shut the door, all thoughts of a midnight shower discarded.

this can mean a few things:

a) our house is a mess, and this is gods way of telling us to start cleaning up.
b) we should start closing the bathroom window.
c) this is an omen from the heavens for me to give up on my childish dream of being a journalist, exchange my pen for my old power rangers blanket, and venture back into the wonderful world of zoology (yeah right)
d) it was divine intervention, so that i could have something almost decent to write on this poor neglected blog of mine.

well,whatever. im getting sleepy.

out!! ^_^

blog.

2006-05-14T23:42:00.000+08:00

I've been reading some previous entries.. wow.. i realize now just how much i've changed.. and just how much i've learned over the years.. for one thing, i learned how to properly spell realized (used to always spell it as realised). Usage of the letter Z always did confound me =P.

But i did notice, with a small bit of pride, that i never had any log stretches when my life was simple. Yeah, there was always one problem or another chipping away at my edges, shaping me into the strong(er) person that i am today. Looking back at all the crap i went through, I realize that, yeah, 85% of them were (directly or indirectly) my fault. Kinda ironic, that.. when you think about it, using my logic, I am making myself stronger. =P

I am a better person now. a much more controlled person. Sure, i may not be as magnanimous as i was when i first started this blog.. I might have mellowed out a bit.. but i still like to think of myself as fun.. at least i can manage to laugh when the shit hits the fan.

Life took its toll on me, i guess.. taught me a bunch of new things.. it took away so much from me, but gave me so much too. Life never ceases to amaze me.. its irony.. its duality... its sense of balance.. well.. i guess this is how i know that there is a higher power up there in charge of things.

I am, more or less, content. Yeah, im lacking things... my family might not be in the best financial state ever. we might have to live on canned goods for a while, but i am 100% confident that God will provide. and because of that, I am content.

What i truly want is for my mamaw to have peace of mind.. I wish that she would learn to relax, and take better care of herself. I wish that she would quit thinking of the future as some cloud over the horizon.. and herself as a small dingy in the ocean, heading into a storm.. the future is a wonderful thing.

you just have to make it that way.

i worry about her sometimes, is all.. she has a tendency to overthink things.. im guilty of that too.. its a depressing habit. I wish that she would just put all that stuff down for now, and pick them up when the time comes, when she is more equipped and better prepared to handle them. this is why god gives everyone time to grow.. kinda defeats the purpose when you start obsessing about things you arent even supposed to think about for a few years..

me.. i know what i want. i know what i need to do to get it. im going to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true. thats all i bother with. details have a way of filling themselves in, when the time comes.. but then again, thats just me.. it just tears me apart to see her having such a gloomy night because if it, though..

shes strong. ive seen her. she needs to see what i see.

I wish i could give her my eyes, so that she could see herself as i see her.. cause no matter how hard i try to express it,

words are here to fail me.

haaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

hmmmmmm.. mothers day nga pala kanina.. :) sana nagenjoy ang lahat ng mga nanay sa kaarawan nila.

i know it kinda sucks, but since im not sure if she got my email, dito ko nalang xa babatiin..

Happy Mothers Day, Mom! ^_^ I love you..

mothers day was a good day for me.. spent it with the habans. ^_^ hhehee.. a lot of good memories..

^__________________^

well, im kinda sleepy.. i better get some shut-eye, lest i break out in pimples again.. peace out! ^_^

------------

oh yeah.. my trip down memory lane got me thinking.. my blogs had that same layout for three years now.. maybe its time i jazzed it up a bit.. hmmm.. do i still have what it takes?

ReligiousThinking

2006-05-05T00:10:00.000+08:00

Ive been watching the Discovery Channel this past week.. apparently, its "Secret Bible Week". And every night, they feature a documentary about the bible.

Well, i watched one, titled "The Gospel of Judas"

It was apparently a Gospel, written by the Nostics, completely turning everything we know about judas on its head.

Well.. I got to thinking..

If judas didnt betray Jesus, then how could Jesus have died on the cross and cleansed mankind of his sins?

Heavy, huh?

I guess if we look at it this way, Judas is a hero. He was the instrument through which Jesus carried out his divine mission.

Isnt it kinda ironic? Everybody hates Judas.

Bah.. this is makin me dizzy. Theology aint for me. OUT!

OUTRAGE!

2006-04-25T23:12:00.000+08:00

I was blog hopping when i came across Aika's blog. It totally pissed me off.

Some people want to prevent the Da Vinci code movie from being shown here in our country. Here's the Article.. (might wanna right click on that and open the link in a new window..)

It was Heinrich Heine who said that "Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings."

I remember that from a report I did about nazis burning books in WWII during my highschool days..

They compare Brown to a nazi, when they are the ones who want to do things that the nazis did. Pisses me off, that.

The work is FICTION. a flight of fancy. And frankly, the fact that they are fighting so hard to supress this material speaks of their hidden agendas. Everybody has hidden agendas, after all. yes, EVERYBODY.

Im not saying that i think of Brown as a lone crusader valiantly fighting against the wrongs of the past.. I think of him more as a deviously sneaky guy who ingeniously used controversy to make a sh!tload of money. While sneaky, I find nothing wrong with that. Sayang nga, eh.. i wish I had thought of that.. =P

But i seriously doubt that he wants to rule the world and destroy christianity.

puh-leeze.

he just let his views out, like countless other authors -both great and unkown- did over the centuries. to agree or to disagree, thats up to the readers.. and noone, NOONE should prevent anyone from seeing both sides of the coin.

Im a christian. I read the book. Still christian. Yep! when i closed the book, i did not go out and look for some people to do the Heiros Gaimos with. I did not end up joining the Priory of Scion. I read the book because i found it intellectually stimulating, and very entertaining. I did not invest my faith in any of the stuff that i read.. and, frankly, my foundations werent shattered when i finished it. In fact, I found the ending kind of lame.

the only way that this book could shatter someone's faith is if they had no faith in what they believed in at all. Its a little known fact of life nowadays: people are responsible for their own actions. If they read it because it was an "Evil faith destroying book," then they obviously are looking for other things to believe. Leave them alone. Kanya kanyang trip lang yan.

Noone should have the right to destroy something just because it goes against what they believe.

In the same as i dont agree that non-christian nations ban the bible, i dont agree that the movie be banned in our country. much less the books be destroyed. Books are our friends! i love books! (as my mumu would attest. =P)

Slap a bunch of warnings and disclaimers on it, for all i care. Im gonna see that movie. and it better not be horribly censored and cut, or flames are gonna erupt. =P

As Voltaire said: "I may not agree with what you have to say, but i will fight, and if need be, die for your right to say it."

nuff said..

out.

summer summer summer summer...

2006-04-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

uuuugggghhhhhhh.. job hunting's turning out to be a really big headache.

call centers. shish.

You know, I never really, truly found the idea of working for a call center very appealing. I mean.. yeah.. the money's good, but damn.. youre gonna work yourself ragged doing the same monotonous things over and over and over and over again, ad infinitum. gack..

therefore, its kind of ironic that i find it as the kind of work that i am most suited for nowadays..

I went to apply for a callcenter with xam yesterday.. I thought we were only going to apply, but dayuuum.. we were in for a suprise. We were asked to write a more than 250 word essay. Being journ majors, that was a piece of cake for us.. then we were interviewed.

the set-up's like this. They take four applicants, put them in a room with an interviewer, and they all get interviewed at the same time. Xam was with me then (thank god).

anyway.. I passed the interview.. but the interviewer did do a good job of giving me second thoughts. What if i get accepted, and the schedule conflicts with that of my studies..

theres no way in hell im gonna de-load.

I wonder, is there a call center out there with students in mind, with a rather flexible schedule that can be moved around so that i could continue with minimal 'discomfort' with my studies?

demet. I normally wouldnt even be considering working but.. life..

so.. now, im supposed to be waiting for *somebody* to call and tell me where and when and with who my second interview is gonna be.. im not even sure i want to go through that, if the company is that strict with their schedules.. T_T waaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggghh.. buhay nga naman..

Well.. i just have to be good and pray that something comes up that fits quite nicely, i guess..

-

On another note, and one that makes for infinately more enjoyable blogging, Tishie and i just passed out half a year mark a week ago. Woohoo!!

I am amazed that we made it this far without me doing something stupid enough to mess everything up.. i came close a few times, but we pulled through..

whu'da thunk it.. six months.. in no time, we'll be a year old. and you know what, these days, thanks to her, im as light as a feather.

In all seriousness, I have never been this serious about anything in my whole life. I have never worked this hard for something before, and I have never, ever, been patient enough for this kind of relationship. This is where i see how far i've gone. I've made myself. Then she made me even better.. haha.. hala.. baduy nanaman tong pinagsusulat ko.. i dont care.

Basta, ang alam ko, mahal ko siya. that simple fact carries me through all of the crap that might follow. Tapos, andun pa ang fact na mahal niya rin ako. Armed with THAT, i know, i could go through anything. Most ESPECIALLY for her.

-

demet. I miss her.. Hurry home, so we could talk! =P

mwek.

Slaying the beast

2006-04-12T19:40:00.000+08:00

It was silent. But in a strange way, it wasn't the oppressive silence that I fear so much. It was a peaceful silence, a tranquil one. It was a silence so serene that it quieted even my restlessness and comforted me like a blanket.

The girl I loved more than I have ever loved before took a seat on one of the monoblock chairs. I did not know what to do, so I followed her lead.

I sat there, in a stupor, wondering what to do next. I put my hands together, and I bowed.

I hate injections. I hate watching the needle come down, seeing how sharp it is. I remember the fear that gripped me as I saw it enter my arm, and watched helplessly as its tip disappeared beneath my flesh. I sat stunned as the length of the needle went into my arm. I was petrified, as I feared that a little twitch might snap the needle and I would be forced to live my life with a piece of metal in my veins.

Well, the feeling I felt as I sat in the chapel with my head bowed was similar to the feeling I felt as I sat in the chair, watching the nurse flick the syringe. This was gonna hurt.

And so with a deep, breath, I plunged into the murky depths of my past.

And, oh, my god, did it hurt.

It was like watching a scary movie with your eyelids stapled open. It felt like I took a jagged, rusty knife, plunged it into my own heart, and twisted it around. It was some sort of surreal dream, one that I couldnt wake myself up from.

"You little twit, who told you to talk back to me? " THUD. Pain. "You know what, that little mouth of yours is going to get you in a lot of trouble someday." SMACK. Pain.

I watched the door slam shut. I lunged for the knob, but couldnt turn it. It was dark, and It was hot. All I had to keep me company was the shoe boxes on the floor, and the thick coats on their hangers above me. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed. I pounded on the door with my fist. It wouldnt budge.

"Youre gonna stay in there until I let you out. SHUT UP! Shut up, or else youre never gonna get out!"

I hugged my knees. I wept, as quietly as I could. After an hour, I fell asleep.

Scene after scene after scene, I had to endure, sitting there with my head bowed. The worst ones too miserable for me to put into words.

The pain dulled as I got used to it. and.. for I dont know how long, she waited for me. Then, I felt her touch me. I felt her hold my hand. Those touches were like a pebble tossed in a pond, sending ripples of relief and warmth through my body. They eased the pain immensely. There, I found the courage to do what I knew was the most difficult part of this whole experience.

I prayed..

I prayed for an end to this life long torment. And I prayed to God to help me do what I know I should have done so long ago. I prayed for forgiveness for what I did, and for burrying it like I have. I let go. And I let God.

Then, as much to me as is to him, i said, with resounding convicition and truthfulness, "I forgive you, and I set you free. I set myself free. May we both live in peace from now on."

I realized then that my lungs were empty. I took a breath. And when I exhaled, I felt a lot lighter. Like.. if I jumped, I would end up floating up into outer space.

I wiped the tears in my eyes, and looked around. The first thing I saw was her face. She was looking at me, with what looked to be a mixture of amuesement, concern, and curiosity in her eyes.

I looked around. There was much more people in thechapel than when I first entered. I looked within. I felt good.

I bowed my head again, and I thanked God for everything.

We left the chapel, and spent the remainder of the night together. Happily. ^_^

Hours later, I drifted off to sleep. Sound, peaceful sleep. No nightmares.

Sleep. ^_^

2006-04-11T21:39:00.000+08:00

get out of my head.

get out.

get out.. please, i need peace. I want peace. Dear God, what have i done? Dear god, take this from me.. take it away lord, i cant take it...

someone please make some noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..dont fall away, and leave me to myself...

2006-04-11T20:54:00.000+08:00

I hate being alone.. gosh. this silence is scaring me.

I... I need someone here, with me, right now.

I fear this insanity has a grip on me, and a firm one at that..

I am in utter shock at what i have done. The realization of its meaning felt awful.. like a thousand needles of ice piercing my heart.. like a shot of acid in my chest, slowly eating its way out of my body.. For hours, I stare at the wall..

"That was not me.. That was not me.. I swear to god, that was not me.." over.. and over.. and over.. and over again..

I am losing my mind..

I fear i may lose something i cannot live without.

I fear that I may lose her.

It is when i am alone that i think these thoughts.. and they chill me to the depths of my being.

I dont know what i'd do without her..

well.. actually, i do..................

I have one way out of this insanity.. i need to free it.

I need to free it by accepting it as a part of who i am.. that means.. that means forgiving him.

It is an ugly prospect to even think of, for.. forgiving such a.. such a.. a monster.. is not something that i can do easily. but for her sake..

God knows I would do anything for her. If swallowing this bitter pill would bring things back to the way they were, I swear, i'd swallow a thousand..

I abhor myself right now.. I cannot even bear to look in the mirror, for fear of breaking it with my fist.. for fear of what i might see.. But i must learn to let go of my burden.. one that I have borne for longer than i should have. It is a burden that has cost me much..

Its time to leave my burden.. my heaviest one.. at the cross. and with HIS help.. exorcise my past.. for God knows, i've been wrestling with this for far too long. I have been a fool.. thinking it would go away as it did before.. no.. it didnt..

It bit me. Its beating me. I need help.

I need you..

Exorcism...

2006-04-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

get out of my head. get off of my back.

YOU ARE DEAD. Ive kulled you from my memory. I took you away from my life. You dare bubble up from the abyss of my past and manifest yourself through my actions?

NO!

I will NOT let YOU ruin what i value most

I will NOT LET YOU RUIN MY LIFE AGAIN.

How dare you reenter my life? In my moment of weakness.. how DARE YOU...

I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU. yeah.. i was weak.. i stumbled. I didnt resist, i closed my mind. I did something really stupid, and something i know im going to regret for a really long time.

Yeah, i overstepped my boundaries, disrespected her.

but you know what the difference is between me and you?

I didnt mean to. I DIDNT LIKE IT.. and I wont do it ever again. NEVER.. I wont do it over.. and over.. and over.. and over.. and over.. and over again. UNLIKE YOU.

You ruined me once.

I refuse to ruin myself.

NO!!

So get out of my thoughts, stop haunting my dreams..

Sink back into the putrid waste where you came from and trouble my life no longer.

If ever i see you again, pray.. pray that i've found the courage to forgive you.

Because if i see you again a day before, I will bash your head in with whatever is at hand, and gladly accept the consequences. Because the world is screwed up enough without YOU adding to the shit of it all.

This is not an idle threat.

I am exorcising whatever is left of you in me.

I am vomiting your taint.

Be gone, you evil thing. Be gone, and go to hell. Im sure you'll like it there.

Leave ME, my family, and the one I love alone.

I AM NOT LIKE YOU. I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!

Contemplation

2006-04-08T22:46:00.000+08:00

Listen to this chilling song. Forgive the rather crappy video quality..

Bat your eyes girl.
Be otherworldly.
Count your blessings.
Seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness...yeah

Over and over and over and over...........

She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by.

I suggest we
Learn to love ourselves,
Before its made illegal
When will we learn, When will we change
Just in time to see it all come down

Those left standing will make millions
Writing books on ways it should have been

She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by.

Floating in this cosmic Jacuzzi
We are like frogs oblivious
Soon the water starting to boil,
Noone flinched and we all float face down

She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by.
Pass you by.

--
Isnt it a scary song? Im chilled to the bones..

It rings true.

Sick, sad world we find ourselves living in, no?

Tss..

an EXTREMELY LATE post

2006-04-01T19:20:00.000+08:00

first of all, HAPPY APRIL FOOL's DAY!! ^_^

though.. i didnt get to victimize anyone :P

Okay.. I want to write about the Play.. la lang.. Its nice to reminisce sometimes..

I'm damn proud of what our class had accomplised. I had no doubt that we would pull it off, though.. and that doesnt diminish the pride i feel for the things that we have accomplished.

I was amazed at the dynamics of our class. Everything we needed, we had right there. We had an awesome artist. A graphic designer. Loads of creative people, make-up specialists, a fabulously epal head of production (also a very important member of the audience who saved us actors from humiliation a few times came showtime), A talented Script writer, a class president/director who could keep the class in line, a VERY CAPABLE Stage Manager, the musically inclined, a very good promotions staff, responsible for FILLING the Rizal Stadium with people, and some pretty decent (if i may say so myself) actors.

Every single person did what had to be done, and produced, in FIVE DAYS, a perfectly decent play.

It is an experience hat will never be forgotten, and will be fondly looked back on in the coming years.

Those 7am-9pm days were awesome. Tiring, but awesome. Those three nights are forever going to be etched into my mind and my heart as the UBE nights.

Its nice to know that despite the turmoil, and the deceit, and the conflicts, and all the other crap that plagued our classroom last sem, EVERYONE could come together. Its nice to know that some things are more important than petty squabblings and bruised egos.

A lot of people can learn from what we did.

Chino Innocencio, Out.

summertime

2006-03-28T09:06:00.000+08:00

summertime is here.

and.. you know what my goal is? im gonna work on my self.

Im gonna beef up. i want to buy some protein shakes or something so that i could get some meat on these bones..

im going to take some vitamins everyday..

im gonna run around our barangay..

im going to do situps.. or.. maybe, kung sobrang bored na, that windsor pilates thingy that my sister has.. hahaha!!

Im going to get rid of my pizza face.. stupid pimples..

Well.. you see.. I realized that i really neglected my body this year. When I got better from my sickness, I looked in the mirror and did not like what i saw. I already started. I eat regularly now, and am looking for high carb foods so that I can fatten up. Thats my most immediate goal, to fatten up. Just a bit.. I dont want to end up lookin like Rei, but I dont want to end up looking like boy kimchi, either.

---

alright, I finally, finally finished the DaVinci Code.. and.. yeah, it was a good book. ^_^

however, i did find it a bit.. predictable. I kinda figured out who 'the teacher' was long before he was unveiled.. I kinda predicted sophie's twist..

I did learn about a lot of things, however.. apparently, there are symbols everywwhere. Even in Ragnarok. In fact, I did some resarch and found that Ragnarok Online was teeeeeemiiiing with so many symbols that Robert langdon would flip. Haha! My favorite part of the book would have to be the one that explained Phi. Haha.. that was awesome.. Oh!! and the one that explained the "pagan symbols" found in numerous disney films, especially The little mermaid. Trip! :P

Okay.. my next book to read would be My Sister's birthday gift for me. ^_^ Its another swords and dragons fantasy.. I love those :) hehe.. Eragon. Im excited!! apparently, this book is really good.. its a new york times, publishers weekly, Usa Today, and Wall street journal best seller :P Though, I never heard of it.

Thanks, manang nen!! ^_^

++Edit++
DAAAMN!! Im three pages into the book and I already love it! Get this: The Book was written by a TEENAGER. Christopher Paolini started writing this book at 15 and by the time he turned 19, it was a #1 new york times best seller. Damn.. T_T kainngit!!
---------

The summer time blues are already here.. damn, tishie.. im missing you something fierce.. cant wait till i see you again! ^_^

out!

cureall

2006-03-22T19:32:00.000+08:00

uuuuggghhh.. im still farking siiiiiiiiiicccccccckkkkkkkkkk... its depressing.. i wonder when im gonna get better?? huhuhu.. stupid fever.. go away!!

hehe.. but you know, i found the silver lining!! ^_^ it is AMAZiNG!!

apparently, when you are sick, and you have a jule, the jule turns into an uber sweet, uber caring mumu.. she will hold you and say soothing things to your ear.. she will rub your shoulders.. she will put her hand on your forehead. she will play with your hair..

she watches you while you lie there.. she sits by your side and never budges, even when her friends all go to the other room and study for the exam..

she sits with you there.. opens her book, and starts to read.. but cant concentrate because she has a sick boyfriend to take care of.

damn.. haha!! being sick never felt that good!!! :)

haaaayyy.. jule ko.. i love you! ^_^ thanks for taking care of me... im sure with your TLC, ill be better in no time!! ^___^

mweeeeek!!

happy birthday to me

2006-03-17T22:28:00.000+08:00

Today is my birthday.. and.. sad to say, but.. it is the worst birthday i ever had, in recent memory..

thinking about it really really hurts..

I feel so shattered..

I was stunned at what she did.. that she was able to leave me like that.. during my birthday.. during our monthsary..

I had intended to recount the events in this blog.. but.. i realize now that i cant. it hurts that much.

I know.. this was not all her fault.. i had a hand in this too.. but..

damn. I still cant believe that she did that..

all my confidence in us just went down the drain.. i've never been so sad in my life.

but.. i have to hide everything..

i have to show her that everything's allright..

i know she will be able to be everything i need her to be.. all i need to do is hang on.

bear with the pain..

and live with the memory of standing there, pao's phone in hand, utterly dumbfounded.

but.. it still makes me so sad..

and you know what burns me the most?

he was there..

blog.

2006-03-08T17:55:00.000+08:00

this week was shit..

well, it had its moments.. but.. well.. it still, was, shit. mostly.

so there.

my nosed is stuffed, and its irritating. at least the sore throat is gone.. damn, i hate sore throat. it is such torure.. nothing gets my goat more than a sore throat..

paolo got my whole world crashing around me when he said this following statement:

"tol, nagbabago ka na, ah.. andami mo nang iniisip, lagi kang problemado.. kaw ba yan?"

dayumm..

Yeah.. i guess that theres a shitload of things bugging me right now... but ive been through a lot more than this.. I should be able to handle everything unfazed.. but these days?

Lagi akong pagod.. naka simangot.. irritable.. nangiirap.. tuloy.. ang lalim na ng eyebags ko, at andami ko nang pimples.. grr..

paolo's right.. what the fuck happened to my happy-go-lucky-devil-may-care-take-things-with-a-grain-of-salt attitude? Im allowing my self to get too affected..

i guess.. is easier to block everything out when all you have to worry about is yourself..
when you begin caring for someone else, it is impossible to come out of anything unaffected.. no matter the facade you front.

argh.. the room is crap. so much conflicts.. gone are the days when the whole classroom would sing one song.. just because someone started singing, and everybody knew the song. damn... i miss 1jrn2. I know, saying such a thing is pointless.. why.. many bridges have been burned.. a lot of relationships have crossed the point of no return.. but.. well..

shit..sayang lang talaga lahat ng napagsamahan nating lahat.. i was memory tripping on the way home today and relived the stuff that we, as a class, back when everything was okay, went through.. the wrath of sir bong.. the countless groupworks.. projects.. adventures.. misadventures.. the plain rowdy noise.. the meaningful conversations.. damn.. sayang.

where did all the fun go? school used to be fun.. bah.

all good things must come to an end, i guess..

but.. what a shit ending.

damn..i hate thinking..damn you, paolo!!! =))

aaron.. i was ecstatic when i learned that ol!baaar decided to reverse his descision. all hail queen mica!! ^_^ hehehe

i have newfound respect for the girl.. i really appreciate what she did.. and she should be damn proud of her accomplishment. that took guts.. that took.. balls.. but still, her bossiness sometimes gets on my nerves.. well.. i guess its something im going to have to work around. she aint so bad.. sides.. she saved ron's ass.. and im damn grateful to her for that..

shes now in my good graces.. waaaaay good graces.. ^_^ i wont be so much of an asshole around her. ^_^

i have so much work to do.. so much lines to memorize.. so much statistics to learn.. low batt na ko!!!!! T_T

bah.. kaya ko to. ako pa.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh, i missed blogging.. i really did.. haha.. it feels good to write.. to feel the familiar keyboard beneath my fingers..

to hear the tik-tik-ticking of the keys as i press them..

to watch as the cursor moves and forms my ideas and my thoughts..

Oh, i missed this quiet place, where its just me, my music, and my keyboard.

out!!

Assorted Entries

2006-02-25T08:42:00.000+08:00

I know, I know..

Its been a while..

why?

I dont know.. My life's settled into a blazing fast pace this last few months, and I always find myself lacking the time, or the energy to log in and type on this blog o' mine. But.. daamn.. I missed it something fierce!

Ironically, it took 5000 angry demonstrators and a battalion of police in full riot gear to provide me with a break in that pace, to get some rest, and find some time.

--"oh mhay ghaaad!! its armajedon!!"--
Hey, you guys know what my brother, my sister, and I did the day Gloria announced a state of national emergency, and "requested the armed forces of the philippines to maintain peace and order in the country"?

I sat in SM North Edsa, Cinema 1.. (newly renovated, by the way.. it isnt crappy anymore!)

I laughed my ass off, to the stand up comedy of my favorite stand up comedian, Rex Navarette.

It was awesome. I've not laughed like THAT it an immensely long time. Nakakagaan ng loob. To be able to laugh, despite the fact that the world around you is falling apart.. Astig..

You know what, I really appreciate what Rex and all the other comedians are doing. I have a new found respect for those who do comedy.. To bring laughter into places where finding reasons to laugh is like trying to find (excuse the cliche) a needle in a haystack, sounds pretty damn noble to me.

My only regret about last night, was not being able to grab an autograph, or take a picture with the Husky Boy.

Apparently, he passed right by me without me noticing. yargh. Manang Joy kasi.. ambagal!!

a phone rings, at 3am..
**Ring, Ring**
Rex: "Hello?"
Rex's Mom: "Rex, is there a coup?"
Rex: "Yes, ma.. and she's still singing. Go to bed."
(I'm sure its going to take a while for some of you people to get that JOKE =)) )

Okay.. Now.. onto some stuff that are a bit more.. serious.

i have a caustic personality. The life I've lead and the choices I've made put some sharpness into my tounge and some spikes in my humor.. thats me. I limit myself to the world around me. If youre not a part of that world, the hell do I care about you? Ive adopted this attitude, because I had to. Its that simple.

But I am not as arrogant as that statement may make me seem. If I had done anything wrong, and I see that. Im not shy about apoligizing, and making ammends. But if I didn't do anything wrong.. then.. I reiterate: The hell do I care?

To quote my great and all knowing mentor; responsible for making me who I am today: "some things you keep, others, you flush down the toilet."

Hhhmmm..

What else to write about..

Relationships. Yeah. I will write about relationships..

Why, oh why do they have to be so gwarsh-darned complicated?

Haaay.. I cant seem to do anything right.. THis is one aspect of my life where I wish I could me mister goody goody, and do everything right, to please everyone I care about. Haaaaaayy.. I guess that some people are just.. impossible to put at ease, no matter what you do.

Oh, well..

Its but natural.

I'll get it right someday..

oh.. my mom just called. In a rare fit of motherly care, she told me to be careful, and keep my nose out of places where it shouldnt be. Watch my tounge daw. Dont piss off the wrong people daw. (haha.. its amazing.. kilala pala ko ng mommy ko! :P) . I told her that the wire just blew things out of proportion. she thought we were under marshal law again.. haha. Its kinda cool, knowing na kahit ganyan ganyan lang ang relationship namin ng mom ko.. she cares enough about me to try and stop me from being nabbed, taken to some non-descript warehouse somewhere, tortured, then found floating face down in the Pasig River. yeah.

haha.. la lang. ^_^ and in that glorious note, I end my entry.

So dark, the con of man.

pooped

2006-01-24T18:16:00.000+08:00

I am not sad.. Far from it, things are starting to look up.. I have been rather happy this past few days, considering all..

but.. I am not in good cheer, either..

Gwarsh.. its so easy for me to frown nowadays.. frownin for no reason at all makes me look like a grouch.. wait.. I guess I am a grouch.. Well, It makes me look like even more of a grouch than I really am..

I am Tired.. No matter how early I turn in the previous night, come morning, I cant wake up..

I go through the day, half empty.. I feel it affecting my thinking, my mood.. There are times when I drift off to lala land with my eyes open..

Why am I so tired? Haay.. I guess this is just a physical manifestation of all of the stuff happening to me right now.. I'm being pulled in a zillion different directions.. there are so many things to do.. and.. so many problems to deal with.. and so many wounds to heal.. and so many people to cheer up..

Its exhausting..

Every day, it is getting harder and harder to put up a face that seems unphazed by it all...

Maybe, after typing the Philo Papers.. and editing that god forsaken RC Documentary (Kiss my sleepytime goodbye for this one), and studying for the upcoming tests.. i can finally relax..

Okay.. come Friday, I plan on Letting Loose.. I am going to drink a shitload of beer.. I am going to Play with my band.. and I am going to watch a concert.. For friday, I am not going to have any problems.. If possible, Im going to spend the whole day with a decent amount of alcohol in my blood.. I want a respite from all of this.. a cease fire.. I want some rest..

I hope that something/someone fixes me soon..

Out!! ^_^

Matamaan na ang matatamaan!! :))

2006-01-22T13:31:00.000+08:00

Allright.. time to write. I better get a decent entry in while I can, because I have a very very busy week in store for me.. we have to wrap up the shooting of our RC documentary.. then, I have to edit it. Gawrsh.. my CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME isn't going to be very helpful. =P

Oh, well.. no DOTA for me. ^_^

The situation is basically still the same, since I last entered.. except for the fact that I am now phoneless (again?!).. I dont know how exactly it happened, but being the buzy drone bee (hehe! ^_^) that I am, somewhere between my heading to school, taking the last prelim exam, and shooting for our documentary, my phone mysteriously disappeared. Damn. Anyway.. I hope to get it replaced soon, though. My MultiBazillionaire stepmom is coming here this FeBOOary. While its embarassing to ask her for anything, I really really really really need a phone. Might as well get a nice one.. with BLUETOOTH (para mabigay mo na ung mga pics mong uber sezzy =P) and an MP3 player per trish's request. Haha.. but then again.. wishful thinking. ;)

I just finished editing my Journ Prelims.. hehe.. its basically the same thing, minus all of the "I"s that I could find. What can I say.. my interview really wasnt of substance.. but, hey.. such are the ways of the underachiever.

Umm.. right. I watched Dont Give Up On Us with my tishie yesterday.. For what it did for her, and for how it made her laugh, I loved it. She really needed that. I normally steer clear of those types of movies, but like I said before.. With the right hand to hold, even the crappiest of movies can be a lot of fun.

After doing our thing for our Documentary, we went home. Despite Trish's hirits and Sumbatations about me not having time to get any work done because of always going home late (ehem, ehem) I decided to accompany her to her home. It was a sunny saturday day, after all.. in the FX, we viewed the videos that we shot. Damn. I looked like a total arse walking around Fort Santiago, wearing my Prom outfit with my arms tied behind my back and my hair plastered to one side.

I looked like even more of an arse while walking around Fort Santiago BACKWARDS with my arms tied behind my back and my hair plastered to one side.

But my looking-like-an-arse-ness reached record lows when I had to collapse in the Grass in Fort Santiago again and again, wearing three different but equally outrageous (and embarassing) outfits..

Okay lang. Kayang kaya ko naman eh.. parang wala lang naman sakin to. ;) I am, after all, the grand master guru of making an arse out of myself. =))

Oh, yeah.. there were lots and lots of DUCKS in fort santiago. I was so jeaous because them ducks got to go swimming and got oogled at by some very interested human females whle I had to walk around (and backwards) fort santiago under the blistering hot sun wearing two layers of thick clothes with my arms bound and my hair plastered to one side. Hehe.. Joke lang, ha.. ^_^ SUMBATATIOUS!! =))

Hehe.. I stayed in Trish's house for a few hours. Which reminds me.. I have to find her sister some korean songs.. At first, I was apprehensive, because I haven't been there in a while.. but trish was quick to put me at ease. Haha.. Anyway.. I dont really care where I am anymore. I just want to be with her. And sitting in their living room, watching TV with her by my side.. It was hard to feel any of my problems.

I got home at around.. umm.. Ten. I was dead tired and collapsed on my bed.

Hehe.. there. Ill write again just as soon as i can.

Peace!

blah

2006-01-14T13:27:00.000+08:00

Okay.. a few things to write about..

uno.

Remember that knot in my stomach I was talking about in my last post? Well.. its gone. Finally, I am at peace.. apparently, all I had to do was face my music. I know now that in some way, the rift that damn near formed between trish and I was my own doing.. I know now that i am allowing myself to be baited by my feelings into doing some really moronic things.. which is, like i said before, the highest form of stupid. anyway.. knowing what i did wrong, i was able to take steps to correct it. I cannot empahsize enough how relieved I am.. I did not end up losing her, afterall. haha.. Now, its up to me to carry this thing and follow it through. Tall order, but one I can meet. With Effort. And a lot more self control. =P

dos.

Yesterday, we went and re-did our project "the king solomon way." I know now that the task is doable.. but it is going to be taxing. It didnt stop us from having fun, however.. It was a very fun trip.. I actually hardly felt like I was working. It was tiring, yes.. but I drew my energy from the people around me.. val was especially energetic yesterday. Haha.. damn.. I really missed that girl. ^_^ it was nice to be spending time with her.

oh yeah.. after all the work, we went over to maris' shop and.. drank. I had this urge to get smashed.. so without really realizing it, I gulped down three glasses of some really good tasting beer.. I enjoyed the feeling. I didnt feel that fuzzy in a long time.. since that inuman session in mayrics.

tres.

Prelims na!! Damn. I have an inch and a half's worth of RC handouts to read. I have six chapters of statistics, and around four of mind numbing toung twisting biology. I have a paper to edit for journ.. I have to go online, and download the material for HISTO.. and.. i STILL have to worry about my speech for english.. damn.. because I wasnt called during the past meetings, I have to wait untill after the prelims to deliver my speech.. now im liable to forget it..

haha.. a lot of people are waiting to hear my blood and guts speech.. I just hope I dont get debarred because of it.

hmm.. so much work.. but.. at least, I have a clear head.

Quatro.

I would like to take this time now, to thank my friends.. Especially Rei and Xam. Damn, you two stuck with me. I cannot say how touched I am.. and how much of a difference your words made..

Rei, thanks for putting sense into my head.. "Magpprelims pa tayo.. bumangon ka na".

Xam.. thanks for not letting me quit.. and being ready to kick my ass everytime the thought even crossed my mind.

and, of course.. to all the other guys who were there for me.. thank you jene, for accompanying me that day.. a fellow RB really helped keep me sane.. thank you pao.. for your sympathetic ear. Thank you aaron.. for always trying to lighten up the situation. Thank you Ivan for showing me that you cared. Hell, I thank even Maca for being my therapeutic punching bag.. haha.. I am so damn lucky to have you guys around..

alright.. thats about it.. i think. im off to the campus to the blue quill awarding thing, per trish's request..

out.

Conflict

2006-01-11T16:02:00.000+08:00

Numb..

I've cried so many times already.. and its only halfway through the week..

I have this knot in my stomach.. I'd do anything to get it out. God.. Theres nothing I want more than to just expell this feeling out of my system..

I couldnt care less about THAT.. I've been through this type of shit so many times already that it is almost second nature to me.. the thing making me feel this horrible is what THAT is doing to US.. and what THAT is doing to HER..

I once made a promise to some very good friends.. that I'd do everything in my power to not cause her any pain.. I find the situation we are in bitterly ironic. God.. I'd laugh if I wasn't so sad. I'd laugh if I didnt have to see her crying everyday..

I hate being so useless.. let all the pain fall on me.. I can handle it. But I cant stand seeing her so.. sad is an understatement.. so confused.. in so much pain. And the fact that I can do nothing to alleviate it even that little bit is pure agony.

Everyday, i see my cellphone.. Every day, I see it and I hope. I hope that it would beep and she would tell me that everything is okay again.. that I can try to help her.. but I know that that isnt going to happen.. not today.

I dont care if this thing costs me my sleep. I dont care if this thing costs me my grades.. I dont care if this thing wears me out and bleeds me dry.. But if this thing costs me the one I love.. by God.. things are going to change. Heads are going to roll.

My only consolation.. the only thing keeping me sane.. is knowing that when we get through this, we'll be much stronger.. because i know for a fact.. that this isnt even the beginning of the hardships that we will go through. Its going to be a long, hard road..

The 'stones said it best..

We dont always get what we want,
no we dont always get what we want,
we dont always get what we want,
but if you try sometimes, you might find..
You get what you need.

God.. I need her more than anything.

One of those days..

2006-01-09T17:14:00.000+08:00

I am having one of those days..

You know... one of those days when all you want to do is find somewhere nice and safe.. where there isn't anybody who could bother you.. where you are alone, and private..

I want to find one of those places, and just scream.. just scream at the top of my lungs... I want to punch the first thing I see.. And throw whatever it is that I can throw..

Today is one of those days when all I want to do is get piss-drunk and go postal..

I have so many things gnawing at me from the inside out.. it is driving me insane. It is absolutely enraging.. I cant function..

I feel it there, inside me.. menacing.. threatening to explode. Agression.. It wants out.. and I need to find it an outlet before it consumes me..

God.. I miss Doray.. She always knew what to do when I get like this.. She always knew what to say to calm me down.. I feel like I lost my center.. and I'm damn pissed off about it. I cant remember the last time I was this angry at the world..

You know what the worst part about this whole thing is? I have noone.. noone I can share it with. I dont know anymore... I just.. dont... know.

all I know is.. I want to scream. I want to punch something.. I want to run.. I want to run really fast, really far, until I leave this whole sordid mess behind..

Somebody help me. I hate this.

Babawi ako.. isang mahabang post.

2006-01-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

Wow.. It has been a while since my last entry.. A lot has happened, for sure, but Im not sure I can remember them all.

Well, in around an hour and thirty minutes, we will be a week into the year 2006... And you know what? It is scaring the chicken shit out of me how fast time is whizzing by...

Man, why does time have to act so sadistic? When you want it to pass quickly, like... say... during Socio or Phist, it drags on ever so slowly... but when you want it to slow down... when you dont want something to end... time sneaks up right behind you.

Gosh... these cosmic rules of the universe arent fair.

But then again, such is life, I guess... Rarely fair.

School's been a problem for me this past week... I find that I lack the drive to do good. I am not motivated anymore, and I find myself settling more and more for mediocrity... I always have... but for a while, i (at least thought) I had that licked...

I guess I am having a hard time seeing the point to it all... Dont get me wrong... I love school... but in all honesty, Im not really learning much this semester... I feel like... I am going to school for the sake of going to school... In fact, I think that my biggest motivation for getting out of bed at 6 am (which usually gets me late for the first class) is so that I could be with my friends. My friends and my... well, her. I find that failing tests for me isnt the traumatic experience it once was... in fact... I think Im numb to it now... its almost as if... I couldnt care less if I passed or failed. Maybe the fact that I know I have a "Get out of jail free card" is contributing to this mindset...

what else... what else...

Oooh... yeah... Im making a conscious effort to be with my barkada more. See, I realized that I have been neglecting them a bit... my bad... my behavior is surprising even me... but im sure they understand. I have this need to be with her. I am happiest around her... its hard to explain without revealing to the world how much of a pathetic mush brained sap I really am... Needless to say, the saddest part of my day is when I see that FX/Jeep/Tricycle drive away with her inside.

Still... I try to make time for RB... its just kind of frustrating when I go with them and they end up just... sitting there. Haha... Yeaaah... I guess each of us has their own racket now... Jene has his Verly... Rei has his date with the handouts... Clang... god knows that that girl is up to... I sure as hell am clueless sometimes. Xam... she's kinda busy rekindling old flames... Paolo has his Joie... Sherman is in another school... (And according to clang, is ticked off at me for some reason or another I do not know)... and... Aaron... well... Aaron is Aaron. He never really hung with us after class in the first place.

Maybe I should organize a gimmick?? For old times sake... haha... yeah... thats a good idea. The problem is, mobilizing these guys is like trying to tell a rock to move three feet to the left all by itself...

ummm... yeah... New Year... New Year for me was a simple affair. For some reason or another, perhaps because I was sort of subconsciously expecting a phone call from Trish or something, I did not go with my family to Antipolo as Cayaban Tradition dictated... instead, I stayed with two of my sisters who also decided to stay, one of which was sick..

We watched movies, ate pizza, and made some weird... tomato paste sauce thingy that didnt taste half bad... no fireworks... no horns... no loud noise... no phone call from trish... just us three, hanging out.

Then mom called, and for the first time in a long time, we talked. We did not argue... she did not try to make me feel guilty... I did not antagonize her... we just talked... and reconciled... and well, in all honesty, it felt good. For the first time in years... I felt like I had a mom again. We shared things to each other... we joked around... she told me some very interesting things about me that I did not know... and... Well... it was definitely the highlight of my welcoming the New Year.

Wow... you know what... once i started writing this entry, things keep popping into my head, begging to be written...

like our trips to laguna for the Rizal Course Documentary.. Which was an awesome experience, by the way... and...

My very first time watching a Mark Herras film... and...

The very fist time I caught myself saying in front of Paolo, Jene, and Aaron: "Eh, siyempre... sino pa ba ang makakatuluyan ni mark herras?? e di ung ka-love team niya na si Jennelyn.. Duh!" haha... I couldnt believe that I uttered those words... but let me tell you... you shouldve seen the look on their faces... it was priceless!

I realize that in the weeks that I skipped entering in this blog, a lot has happened... but then.. for the sake of not making this entry and more tiring than it already is to read, allow me to end it right now.

Peace!

Merry Christmas!!

2005-12-27T09:38:00.000+08:00

Okay. that tears it. this is officially my worst christmas ever..

Imagine going through the Christmas season feeling like a bunch of cleat-wearing soccer playing dudes are jumping up and down inside your skull.

It is total agony.. while you lay in the room christmas night, wrapped in two blankets, you hear your family watching A Christmas Carol. all together.. bonding.. and you.. laying there, in bed.. wanting to decapitate yourself to be rid of the pain. and to not have to experience the pain of having to tell dr co that you did not get to watch the movie because you felt like a construction worker somehow trapped himself inside your head and is now in the process of jackhammering his way out.

There had better be replays. From now on, there is only one channel in my TV.. thats 37.

Starting christmas eve morning (is there such a term? :P), it started.. I woke up dizzy and had a temperature.. everytime i breathed in deep, i coughed.. I felt drained of all energy.. Good thing i did not have a sore throat. I hate that. After a while, I popped some pills. Then we went christmas shopping. Big mistake. After the spree, I felt much worse. I spent the rest of the day in bed. Feeling really... awful. I couldnt even bring myself to reply to those who greeted me merry christmas the second it turned 25. I was wide awake then.. staring into the void.

Haha.. tama ung commercial: Bawal Magkasakit! Lalo na kung pasko.

my biggest consolation this christmas is.. my brand new chucks. and.. time spent with my family, everytime the medicine kicks in and i would feel good enough to venture out of the confines of my room for an hour or two..

oh.. and the fact that i have someone very special to share the it with.

those things make all the difference.

in the immortal words of little tim: "god bless us, every one!"

pumpkins??

2005-12-22T20:47:00.000+08:00

"cheater cheater, pumpkin eater..."

somethings buggin me..

of all the stuff that cheaters could eat.. Why Pumpkin??

Couldnt it be... like...

"Cheater, cheater.. roast beef eater..."

or.. ung sinuggest ni trish:

"Cheater, cheater.. bangus eater"..

What is it about eating pumpkins that makes one a cheater? or does eating pumpkins actually make one more of a cheat?? (i suddenly remembered esguerr's empassioned lecture about thed non existence of the word 'cheater'... =P)

haaaayy... ponderables..

awt ^_^

chenez

something always comes up..

2005-12-16T21:02:00.000+08:00

I dont know if i have a condition, or what..

but i have this insane streak of bad luck when it comes to planning.. haha.. its beggining to bug me.

i keep on envisioning things i want to happen.. then i work to get everything ready. But.. something always comes up, and all my plans get wasted.. all that effort..

thats it.. im never planning anything ever again.

--

I realized something earlier today.. all this time, ive fancied that ive lead a rather full life..

but then..

I've never had a true friend for more than two years..

ive never went caroling..

i've only recently tasted some chichirias such as Cheese rings ..

its only recently that i felt like i truly belonged..

I've only played patintero, hide and seek, and habulan a few times in my life.. so very long ago..

I never had a pet..

i realized today that.. I missed out on a whole lot of things.. simple little things that normal people dont think much of.. Yeah.. I've lead an exciting life..

but.. it ist full.. yet..

well.. i guess i had better start filling it, then.

Of DOTA, Bugnutin-ness, and Speeches

2005-12-14T20:22:00.000+08:00

After school, Jene, Rei and I went to Netopia to play DOTA. Damn.. Netopia is a ripoff.. we were suprised to see that they now charge 35 pesos an hour. Argh. anyway.. it was a 2 vs 1 game.. i was with the handicap.. rei chose to play as the Chrystal Maiden and Jene chose Kordel the dwarven sniper.

I chose Pudge, the Butcher. =P I knew that i was setting myself up for a hard early game, since they both had the advantage of being ranged fighters.. but i knew that as soon as i got the Heart or Terrasque, i would own because my hitpoints would be huge and i would be able to shrug off their attacks, even if they are in pairs.

Haha.. it was, as archie was fond of saying, "a seesaw battle."

Just when I was finally about to go into the offensive, our time ran out. Argh.. kakabitin.

Anyway.. trish and i had an agreement that she was to text me where she was so that i could follow after playing DOTA. When I looked at my phone and found that there was no text, i was a bit irritated. Then, put of pure luck, i spotted her and her friend heading out of dapitan gate. I went to her...

maris told me that val was giving away free pepsi.. i remembered val telling me that she was going to be working in ust.. so i decided to give her a quick visit.. i asked trish where they were headed, she said they just went out to accompany ralph as he smoke. having no desire to be a witness to that, I went to go see val. A few cups of free pepsi later, i headed back to dapitan and found that they were not there anymore.. I looked at my cellphone.. still no text.

I texted her, asking where she was.. ten minutes went by.. fifteen.. thirty.. forty five. no reply..

I got fed up and headed home. In the first place, she was supposed to text me. It was very very irritating, to sit at the Pav alone, waiting for a reply..

I slept.

I woke up, and got to work on finding my speech for english.. and.. i have two selected..

one is General Patton's incredibly gorey and inspiring speech. It is a famous speech that he gave to the third army division during world war two. It has some profanity... but i think that the class can handle it..

just in case maam wont accept that speech, i have martin luther king's famous speech ready as a backup.

but i really want to do patton's :P

hehe.. well.. waking up cleared my head. I so do not want to waste more time being ticked off at her for something so trivial. Lets face it.. i might get irked.. irritated.. and dissapointed at times.. but my desire to be with her.. and my feelings for her would never allow me to get mad..

Right now, i feel really stupid for letting today pass. That was a wasted chance to be with her.

anyway.. Im okay now.. my head is totally cool.. and i have nothing left to do but to relax. maybe get a little reading done.. or listen to some mp3s. :P

**
hehe.. malamang, natulugan na nya ako sa FX.. =)) haha.. ishokei.. she's tired (katext ko kasi siya ngayon)

AWT!

narcoleptic

2005-12-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

daaaamn.. i've been really tired this past few days.

As soon as i get home, i close my eyes, and sleep through the whole day. Gosh.. i havent done my homework yet, since im sleeping so much.

i cant seem to get enough sleep. Why im so tired, i dont know.. haha.. Like earlier today.. i fell asleep while texting trish.. and we were talking about something serious, too. Now.. im not sure what the heck that girl is thinking. I kind of left the conversation floating.. by the time i woke up, she went to sleep already. She might be mad.. i hope not. hehe.. but i did not like the direction our conversation was heading >_<...

And you know what.. im the only one awake in the house.. its freaky..

and adding to the freakyness factor is that i can hear a piano playing some really spooky music from a distance. I mean it.. it is spooky.. it is the only sound i am hearing right now.. the night is completely still..

its giving me goosebumps.

And i cant play any mp3s to drown in out since everybodys asleep.. daaang.. Whoever's playing is good.. but.. must they play this late at night..

scary.

well.. i had better try to read my rizal.. peace!! :)

Night Strolling

2005-12-03T20:55:00.000+08:00

There are certain things that just stick to your head forever.. somethings that no matter where your life takes you, you will always carry with you.

The picture you are seeing right now.. is one of them. That image is stamped in my memory. It is hard to describe Lovers Lane come christmas season. It is just really.. really beautiful. That picture does not even begin to do it justice.

Today was my second trip to Malasa, Tarlac. It was a whole lot of fun, as i got to hang around with a bunch of cool kids. I got to teach Junior again, and he again eagerly soaked up everything i had to give. Im so proud of the little guy. So much potential.. After the lesson, there was this get together.. a farewell party of sorts.. and there were games. I had to kind of coerce my learner to join in.. but when he did.. damn. He bagged the top prize.

After the party, we went to the bus and chilled for a while. It was fun having the children run amock in the bus. A whole bunch of them came to me and started playing with my gadgets.. My diskman, my cellphone, even maritess. Haha.. we made a whole lot of noise.. They went crazy taking pictures of themselves.. Maritess was a big hit to those children. And so was Bamboo... "hallelu.. hallelujah!!"

Damn.. Im really gonna miss those kids..

When our bus finally reached UST, we were awestruck at the beauty that awaited us. In unison, almost every soul in the bus went "wow." Alpha, a second year Philosophy major i met thanks to this whole lts things, started saying "I am from UST." She was so damn proud of her school. I dont blame her.. those lights do look awesome.

But here was the time when i felt the most alone--When everybody disembarked and group by group, went their own seperate ways... I stepped up off the bus all alone.. and walked right to the lights.. admiring them. It felt great to behold such a thing. but i felt a bit empty.. hollow, even. Someone was missing.. I couldnt believe that I didnt have anyone by my side to share it with.. Damn.. it is times like these.. when i get to experience something touching.. that i miss my jule so much..

Is it wrong, to want to experience things like this night with her? To share with her beautiful things? To want to hold her hand and just soak it all in?

Is it so wrong to want to be with her.. just to be with her?

To miss her so damn much?

**Im sorry.. its not that easy for me to take this desire to be with you out of my system.. but youre right.. Im too demmanding.. Ill figure something out ^_^;.**

haha..baduy ba? KSP? :P thats my biggest problem. haha.. ADD :P

well.. im out. ^_^

What a day.

2005-12-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

Today was an interesting day. A very interesting day, indeed.. gwarsh.

I woke up feeling like shit.. because.. well, I ran just a few hours prior, and was even chased by a friggin psychotic poodle on steroids.

My right leg was cramped, as it always gets when I run. I think I ought to get that checked..

But.. I was feeling like shit because that was what I felt I was--shit.

Just read the previous post.. that should catch you right up.

The morning was spent in a zombie like pseudo conciousness. I was a vegetable. Gosh.. I truly did feel like shit.

When it was time to go home, I wanted to talk to her. She was busy talking with her friends, so I decided to pack my stuff in the locker first. The thing is, my new lock is always backwards, thanks to Rei's Kaartehan. So it always takes me a while to figure out the code and enter it backwards. By the time my sluggish mind guided me ever so slowly through this menial task that even a dimwitted idiot could do, I went back to the classroom and found that she had left.

There was no limit to the utter shitiness that I was feeling then.

I melted into the crowd.. I dragged my feet home, on the brink of tears.. damn.. she was avoiding me.

It took me like... 10 minutes to reach the Lover's lane.. where I saw dave and rea.. As I neared the gate, I all of a sudden realized that I did not want to go home yet. So I decided to go to the lovers lane and sit there for a while..wishing that i had a beer or two with me.

But as I tried to find a vacant bench, my stomach was reeling. Gosh. I just realized today why they call the place the Lovers lane. It was sickening to me while in that state, to see people sitting there, in each others arms, with goofy looking smiles painten on their faces. I felt the bile rising to my throat.. Then I felt the cut right at my heart.

I had to do something..

I was filled with fear then.. fear for what was happening to me.. to us.. I knew I had to do something. So instead of trying to find a seat, I walked straight to Dapitan.

I hailed a jeep, and commuted to Lawton.

I sat there in lawton for an hour or so, hoping to catch her.. it was torture.. thoughts started bombarding my head.. What if she had gone home already.. what if i had missed her.. What if she wont be passing lawton today? what if, what if, what if...

I couldnt take it. So i grabbed my phone and called her.

no answer.

I waited a while and called her again.

Hershey picked up. and from her, I learned that they were in Rob. without really thinking, I hopped into an FX and payed the man. I intended to wait for trish in SM southmall.. she HAD to pass through there.

but then, hershey called and told me to go to them instead of going all the way to southmall. Whatever.. As long as i woul catch her.. so, I said okay. The problem was, when I tried to get my money back, the man wouldnt. Something about paying a fee for a line.

I wasnt thinking straight, and strate d arguing. By the time I concieded, I was already passed baywalk.. near the SLEX.

I Decided to take a taxi to Rob, in order to make up for some foolishly wasted time..

but none were going my way.. so I jogged the length of the street, looking for a suitable spot to find a taxi.. it took me a long time, and I found myself near san juan de dios hospital before i found a taxi..

I didnt care if the driver looked like a crook. I just remember thinking that I wasnt having much luck with drivers today.

Thirty minutes and 75 pesos later, I found myself in Robinson's Place Manila. I totally forgot how this mall looked like, since the last time i went here was with doray, back during second sem first year. I had a hard time finding them.. but with the help of some friendly guard, I found where they were.

I saw them.. hershey and trish, sitting there.. and all my resolve melted. Trish had this look on her face of complete frustration. Hershey was talking.. I did not even want to know what they were talking about.. but I knew i knew.

I stood there for a solid three minutes, frozen, not knowing what to do. Thank god noone noticed me. Slowly, I found the guts to get closer.. and I did..

and hershey smiled at me and offered me a seat..

well.. everything went well after that..

I asked for her forgiveness and it was given..

though.. I cant help but hate myself for what I did to her.. I find myself so lucky to have a girl so gracious as her.. I really dont deserve her.

But tell ya what.. when things started to settle back to the way they were, I was so damn happy. It felt like someone breathed into me and inflated my lungs. I could breathe again.. I was positively giddy..

I learned some very valuable lessons today..

1) wag kang masyadong bata.
2) wag gagalitin ang girlfriend.. masakit na sa puso, masakit pa sa legs, sobrang bigat pa sa bulsa. =)) I spent like.. 500 bucks today alone. But it was worth it... cause I set aside my ego and went through all that crap, so that I could try to make ammends. Im kind of proud of myself for that..

and you know what?

I made her proud, too.

Damn. I love my mumu.. soooo much. Ill do much better now. I wont promise it. Im telling you. Youll see.

---
Cook, little pot, Cook!! ^_^

Fudgee bar!!

i suck.

2005-12-01T19:18:00.000+08:00

I have a really bad habit..

Everytime i get down.. I get really.. really.. really.. really down.

When I get frustrated, I start thinking about more things that get me even more frustrated.. and the frustration grows exponentially, leading me to a downward spiral that is really hard to climb up off of.

It gives me tunnel vision.. It makes me super stubborn.. Thickheaded.. insensitive.. arrogant.

it makes me quiet. ask me a question while in this state, and if i give you an answer, its going to be in one word.

A trip down this dark path lead me to say some really mean and hurtful things. As a result, i hurt the one i love.

i was blind.. here i was.. ranting and raving about how much i had given.. and about how little i was recieving.. I did not realize that she was trying her best for me..

I was so selfish and self absorbed that I did not realize how hard it must be for her.. to be in this relationship, to be feeling so many new things.. Its overwhelming for me too..

I had it in my head that i was the bestest best best boyfriend in the whole wide world..

screw that.. I suck at this. I wish i could make it up to her..

because the fact of the matter is.. I love her so damn much.. I need to be next to her so damn much.. that i cant help myself.

Jaypee.. get your act together.. you are hurting her.

You are hurting yourself.

Asshole.

malasa..

2005-11-27T12:23:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was the LTS Lakbay aral thingamajiggy.. Its a program where we go to distant lands and teach people stuff..

At first, I really did not feel up to it, because I was seperated from everyone I knew.. I was the only 2jrn1 dude in the section.. everybody else knew everybody else. T_T

well.. during the bus ride, i got to meet some really nice people who made the ride fun.

I had no idea that there were so many born again christians in AB. it was kind of cool..

and i couldnt help but feel a bit crummy when i saw them all hyped up about it.. they were all active and stuff. haha.. :P I guess my christianity needs a bit more work ;P

i also felt crummy when i got to meet the boy i was assigned to teach. His name was Junior Ramos.. and damn.. he's sharp as a tack. He was eager to be taught.. and soaked up all i had to give like a really really thirsty spounge.

Though he was only 12, he acted so maturely. I couldnt see myself in him... cause when I was 12, it was one sugar high after another. He spoke to his brothers and sisters with authority..

after the lessons was when i really got to know him. While i waited for the bus, (which took like.. one and a half hours >_<) i showed him my diskman and started playing songs. I was surprised at all the songs that he knew.. From Bamboo, to Rivermaya, to Six Cycle, to that panday song..
haha.. Basta OPM.. it was cool, because it didnt take long for all the kids to want to listen to the music.

they were all singing.. "Sinong sawa.. sinong galit? Sumigaw ngayong gabi.. hallelu.. lallelujah... halle..." It was really cool.

I made a lot of friends that day. ^_^

It was awesome seeing them jumping around, even though they were massacre-ing the song.

But though the day was really fun.. I couldnt help but wish that trish was there.

I really wouldve liked Junior to meet her.

I really wouldve liked her to see me play with the children..

I really wouldve liked to see how she taught hers.

Haha.. i miss my mumu.

haha..

2005-11-19T12:21:00.000+08:00

I missed blogging. ^_^

This week was jampacked. So many things happened, that i dont think i can write them all. haha.. and some of them are waaay too embarassing for me to write about.. ie; my English Class oral Speech.. >_<

hmm.. i loved this week because i got to spend so much time with my monster. My uber taray, uber takaw, uber UBER fisherwoman ^_^.. and i feel myself getting more and more comfortable around her friends. Not that I was uncomfortable before.. bah, you know wht i mean.

the classes this sem are... well..in my humble oppinion, not very distributed very good. All the dynamic subjects (meaning. fun. :P) are in the MWF slots.. thats Journ, Rizal (when he isnt in a bad mood), Philo, and Bio (which is actually a fast-paced game show).. and all the dragging stuff was put on TTH, with the exception of english...Socio (theo =p), Stat, and History...

waah.

on MWF, the day whizzes by so fast. but on TTH, the clock seems to be in sloooow mooootiiioooonnn.. :P

yesterday, we Visited the GAWAD KALINGA headquarters, near LaSalle greenhills.. well.. it was awesome. The people were awesome. it felt so good to see people who actually cared. It was awesome to see God's good work in action, and the way that God can provide you with more than you need.

We met the man who started it all, and... man! I was hanging on every. single. one. of his words. The acounts he gave me were awesome. He is working to eradicate poverty here in the philippines.. and you know what? Its working. I feel that there is hope yet.

We met a Mayor from Mindanao, who was a genuinely nice guy. He even treated us to cinabons and iced tea..

and we met a guy who graciously pointed out to us that UST, or at least, the UST administration, has their heads shoved so far up their own asses that they are forgetting to care about the country which they find themselves situated in. Every major university is represented in Gawad Kalinga.. except the royal, pontifical, catholic, bombastic, fantastic, and smoke free university. kinda irks me that UST would blow so much moolah on other more frivolous things, yet would not even exert effort on things that would actually bear fruit.

and you know what else irks me?

the fact that we have not donea singles solitary FUN thing this whole year!! WHAT HAPPENED?! where'd all the concerts go? the events?? gosh... Our school is getting boooring.. haha.. i wouldn't be surprised if one day, sombody announces that the annual PASKUHAN is off.

tsk.. its almost december.

pasko nanaman.

PEACE!

still phoneless :(

2005-11-11T20:17:00.000+08:00

Didnt write in a while. But i certainly do feel like doing so right now.

Well, the second sem has started.. and.. well.. It was so good to see them faces again..

Our profs are cool, i guess, for the most part.. and I dont find that I have any qualms with any of them... so far. I have three classes that I dont mind attending: Philo, because of Dr. Co, Socio, because of Sir Tobias, and English.. because.. well, its main purpose is to teach us how to speak.. so, despite my.. umm.. unfortunate seat, I think that I'd enjoy myself in that class..

Today..

hmm.. today, I had a hard time waking up. I dont know why though, because I didnt stay up too late last night.. I woke up, realizing that I had no hope to make it to journ class, so I didnt rush to prepare, since I had a lot of time before the next class..

I headed out the door, with time to spare, just in case there would be traffic. I was right, though I did not know just how. It was a complete and utter gridlock. I sat in the vehicle, fuming, because there were bumpers as far as the eye could see. When I finally reached Welcome Rotunda, I saw why. There was another rally. Uuuugh.. it wasnt a really big rally, ive seen bigger ones, but for some reason, this one generated a lot of traffic.

Well, I got to our class, and peeked through the door and saw sir tobias in the room, talking to the class. I was about to push the door open when I realized what he had said about being easily distracted. Disappointed, I decided to just kill time until his class ended. Man, I was missed a really good lecture. Damn rally.

I settled for a half day.. ooh.. and I like my seat during Bio. I have trish right behind me. :) Finally, we are close.. haha.. it kinda sucks having her on the opposite side of the room all the time. Makes her seem so distant.. so unreachable. Haha.. la lang. ^_^

Spent an hour or so with ading after class. We ate at KFC.. I had a ceasar's salad. =P haha.. after eating it, i was full... it was amazing how some people could eat THAT and a one piece chicken meal and still have room for a banana split, shomai, and some cheeze fries. Its mind boggling. =))

I went home to an empty house. Its times like these when I really miss my cellphone. I really miss having her just a text away.. now.. i have to go days at a time without contact with her.. its grinding my nerves.. and.. i cant call her when I want..

that girl comes home so late..

haha.. I sometimes feel like a jackass, worrying about her.. she better not be riding a bus. She's not allowed to ride the bus alone.. she knows that. There are way too many weird people who ride buses. And.. with her being the narcoleptic that she is.. the mere thought of her falling asleep on the bus.. argh..

haha.. see? that was an example of me being a complete and utter geekozoid. Haaayy... jaypee, shes a big girl now. She can take care of herself. She doesnt have to, as long as youre around, but she can. She doesnt need you to coddle her in everything. You just sit back, relax, and be ready for when she does need you. You are just missing her. Thats all.. Its not like she's wandering, alone in the dark.

haha.. isnt comforting yourself a lot of fun?

Gosh.. i hope we go through with buying a cellphone tomorrow.. It all hangs on my sisters mood.. I NEED A PHONE!! Frankly, ill settle for anything.. as long as It works. It doesnt have to be a fancy schmancy one.. Fancy Schmancy ang Jaypee do not really mix... but then again.. i suppose it would be a breath of fresh air to have something that doesn't look like it fell of a 300 foot cliff. Haha...

Well.. i suppose I rambled enough for today..

enjoy the rest of the evening!!

or.. if you are readinh this during the daytime, enjoy your day! :)

Oh.. and.. for emphasis:

NOT BEING ABLE TO TEXT HER REALLY SUCKS.. I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO "BE WITH HER". WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH....

and.. she must be missing my picture..

hehe...

"sezzy!"

Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there..

2005-11-07T12:06:00.000+08:00

Its the last day of Sembreak. I have been looking forward for the sem to start ever since the last one started, since I was broke for most of the sem. Though..the sem break wasnt a complete waste of time. It did have some unforgettable moments of Immense happiness. Then, of course, there was some pain, as well as some fear.

Fear, mostly.. is what i am feeling right now. Fear of tomorrow, both literally and figuratively. Literally, because well.. some things are going to be said tomorrow that I am sure I am not going to like. Whatever she has to say, Ill find my way around.. because I wont let the literal meaning of my fear make its figurative meaning a whole lot worse..

Figuratively, I fear tomorrow because I hate the fact that I have to sacrifice so much when the time comes. I hate the fact that I am going to hurt the one I love. I hate the fact that I have no control. I hate that my time is almost up, and tomorrow is almost upon me.

I feel a bit constrained now.. there are so many things a want to experience before tomorrow comes, and I am not sure if im going to be able to soak them all in. It hurts me something feirce that I have an expiration date stamped on my forehead. I dont know.. I am a bit tied up for words right now.. because I havent told everything to everybody who needs to be told..

It just really sucks, thats all..

and.. I feel like crap.

The only thing stopping me from running right now is my promise to her that I wont, tonight..

I take great comfort from the fact that she said she loved me tonight. She said it straight up, without shame. It felt so good, that after I put down the phone, I broke down and cried under my pillow. I am so fucking afraid of tomorrow.

Well.. looks like tomorrow is sneaking up on me yet again.

The time is 11:57 PM.

With tears in my eyes, and arms wide open, resigned, and determined not to let it overshadow today, I welcome tomorrow.

The time is 12:00 AM.

Good morning..

**Damn. Tama ka, trish. Napakasarap umiyak.

sweetness.

2005-11-04T12:54:00.000+08:00

I just finished eating.. Inihaw na baboy ni mama flor. Haha.. tasted pretty damn good, if I say so myself.

I was walking to our room, when I passed by the girls room. My sister was there, with her boyfriend. I stood at the door, watching them..

Some weird Korean song was playing on their computer, and my sister was dancing round and round, pulling at IO's arm, saying "Dance with me! Dance with me!"

All poor IO wanted to do was get some sleep.

I laughed, and my sister realized that I was there.

"What? Its a good song!"

I laughed some more and walked to our room. That was quite a sight. The sheer cuteness of it warmed my heart.

"Dance with me!! Dance with me!!" haha.. yeah.. I guess I can relate to that. ^_^

Pagdating ko sa room, i was smiling.. but then.. I felt my heart ache, just a bit. I realized then how much I am missing her.

Three more days, she said. Three more days.

--

Hmm. well, Im getting my self a new phone, soon. My sister agreed to pay for half the cost.. Yeah.. I guess I can shoulder that.. I'm just going to have to tighten my purse strings a bit during the sem. :) Im going to get a camera phone, and pack it full of pictures.. :)

My friendster picture count is up to thirty. Haha! twenty more, and its mission accomplished. All I need now is Maritess to return from her trip to baguio with my sister.

Im reading book three of the Sword of Truth Series. haha.. well.. better get back to the book!! ^_^

death.

2005-11-01T20:29:00.000+08:00

I read Ivan's Blog, about his fear of death.. Thanatophobia, he said it was..

Personally, I do not fear death. Big words? I can back it up.

Well, the reason why I do not fear it is because I never think about it.. that, coupled by the fact that I am a hopeless adrenaline junky, kida beat the fear of death out of my sistem..

I love life. God knows I do. I relish every single breath I take. I appreciate the smallest things.

Why waste time worrying about death.

I guess it all boils down to me believing that when its your time, its your time.

All I know is, when it is my time, its going to be without any unfinished business.. without fear, and without regret.

When its my time, Im going to leave something behind.

Besides, theres way too much things to be scared of for me..

like.. Clowns.. sheeez... freaky bastards, clowns.. thats Coulrophobia

and.. eating fish..

and.. scary movies.

peace!

**
damn.. speaking of death.. My 3310 just died on me. on the day of the dead.

haay.. this sucks. now i need to buy new phone, and I dont even have the money to buy load. wow.

Fantasy.

2005-10-31T13:54:00.000+08:00

Geez!!

I took what i said last post to heart and got to reading.

It took me months to read through the second Sword of Truth book halfway, what with school and numerous other distractions..

but it only took me three days of devoted reading to finish the other half. ^_^ hehe.. i actually accomplished something.

I have one thing to say.. DAMN.

Terry Goodkind ROCKS.

His characters are incredible. They are so believable, and real, I feel that I know them as well as my brothers and sisters..

His twists and turns are awesome.. he has this way of branching out the story in so many directions that it gets a bit cunfusing.. but then, they all come together, and you are sitting there, reading, going... "Wow."

If you liked the works of Tolkien... and like fantasy.. the kind with swords, and dragons, and wizards, and magic... then. PICK UP THESE BOOKS!! I think there are like.. nine of them. =))

Im going to be reading for the rest of the year!! :P

The Sword of Truth.. hehe.. yeah, the title might sound a bit lame.. but trust me, the story isnt. :) But bewarned.. This is no Harry Potter.. i guess it is more akin to The Lord of the Rings.. a bit darker.. alright.. a lot darker.

I wish I could write as good as terry goodkind. :P Someday. ;)

well, off to find book 3!! :)

Blogideepooh

2005-10-30T09:39:00.000+08:00

I am out of money.

Damn, that sucks. That statement right there is the bane of my existance. Out. of. money. When I say out of money, I mean it.. out of money. I am only worth 75 bucks nowadays.

Its infuriating.

Arrgh..

Anyway, went to trish's house yesterday. Spent the whole day there, sitting on their couch, learning how to watch "jologs" channels.

It was a lot of fun... even though she sat there picking on me the whole day.

At least, she let her hair down. :P

hmm.. and.. un. ^_^

Thinking about what will happen once the sem starts. I dont want it to be one enrollment/clearance day after another.. but, untill she's ready, then.. so be it.

Guess im the only one feeling any pressure. haha. :P

well.. looks like another boring week in front of me..

My goal: to finish reading Sword of Truth: Stone of Tears. Man, i've been reading that book for months now.

I am currently in the process of changing all my passwords. :) la lang. ^_^ un.

Argh, my little cousin just walked through the door. I know what she's after.

Dana, mag ingat ka, ha.. dangerous ang ragnarok. Baka bumaba ung grades mo. :P

I better hand her the computer before she throws a tantrum.

Bata. :P

to the board of censors..

2005-10-22T16:54:00.000+08:00

Lift your head, baby don't be scared.
of the things that could go wrong along the way.
Well get by.. with a smile.
Now its time to kiss away those tears goodbye.

I can't tell you how much I can relate to this song right now.. I know you know the song, everybody does.. and I know that it is badly overused.. but now, I realize that it that is for a reason. Thanks, Ely..

Girl Ill stay..
Through the bad times,
Even if i have to fetch you every day..
Well get by.. if you smile.
You can never be too happy in this life.

Jule ko.. Well get by, with a smile.

I am so happy, and thankful, and lucky, and blessed to have you.

Thank you for being so strong.

Thank you for being you.

I love you.. So Much.

>_<

2005-10-18T20:56:00.000+08:00

Okay.. It is high time for a decent, intelligent entry to visit this blog.

I realized during the last post that my blog was filled with the nonsensical rambling of a person high on love. Well.. i am, so I guess it is to be expected.. But now, I want to write about something a little less... saccharine.

There has to be something else going on in my life right now, besides my mumu.

....
....

I have been thinking for quite a while now.. going on thirty minutes.. and you know what? i just realised why this blog is filled with her. it is because she is the only good thing i have going right now.

And I dont feel like writing about the crap that is my life, subtracted her.

okay.. jaypee, lessen the melodrama. you are going to get a decent post down, even if it kills you.

....
....

What is blogworthy, nowadays, anyways? Hmmm..

SemBROKE just officially started yesterday, yet already, I am feeling the sembroke syndrome. I am having a hard time imagining how I am going to make 200 bucks stretch untill I get an allowance. I ran out of load last night, and realized that running out of load really sucks when you dont have the ability to replenish it.. especially these days when my greatest source of happiness is my cellphone, or at least that whom is on the other line (strike one.. that was certified mush. jaypee, you have been warned). I resorted to siphoning off load from my sisters' and father's cellphones. 808 is my new favorite number.

It is getting so bad that i have resorted to selling my three dollar bills, the last relic of my american-ness I posess, to my dad. I actually forgot about them, and only remembered them while racking my brains, trying to figure out how to make some cash. Hmm.. that brings up my semBROKE warchest up to... 360 bucks. depressing..

My sister asked me if I could watch the PC shop for her tomorrow.. Gosh, i hope i get payed.

I need the money!!!!!

Meet the habans

2005-10-17T17:49:00.000+08:00

isa lang ang masasabi ko.. naiinggit ako kay trish.

her family is so robust, so vibrant. So friendly, and accommodating.. so.. wow. They are out there.

They rock, each and every single one of them.. There was so much haracter in that house, just watching them go about their business was a lot of fun.

umm.. well.. i guess i did okay.. I dont think i made myself look like a total jackass..

I did get some flak about missing trish's debut, though.. ahh.. sorry na. >_< i did try to make it up to trish, didnt i? diba, trish?? heheh..

haaay..

forgive the short entry.. umm.. di ko kasi alam kung ano ang pwede kong isulat, eh.. meron nang board of censors tong blog ko. :P

tska... puro mumu na ang mga entries.. mukha na akong adik. hehe.. iba naman. :D

^_^

Southmall

2005-10-08T09:05:00.000+08:00

I spent a good hour, right after waking up, looking up at the ceiling, reliving the sheer happiness i felt while with her yesterday.

and the pure elation i was barely able to contain when she said the thing she did.

I know it was under extreme duress from me.. she did not really want to say it.. but. damn. she was ubeeeeer cute while trying to force herself to do it. Biting my tounge was all i could do to prevent myself from squeezing her cheeks, hard..

---------

Yesterday, I went to SM Southmall with my mumu to get my hair cut. I know, I know... its a looong way to go for a hair cut, but.. bah. I have my reasons. Obvious ones at that.. ones that sat next to me on the entire fx ride to southmall. That was a long ride. ^__^

Now.. im not sure what im allowed to write, and what im not.. so, I shall proceed very carefully.
^____^

Okay.. the whole ride to the mall, she was obsessing over what haircut she was going to tell the barber to cut me... and then, she would see some guy with an overly outrageous haircut, point him out to me, and say "Ganun nalang ung ipapagupit ko sayo!"

By the time we got to the mall, i have to admit, i was a bit scared.. I did not want to end up looking like some guy who got his hair cut by a narcoleptic barber, but i was resolved to let her choose my haircut. This was important to me. I was a bit relieved when she told me she still did not know what haircut she was going to give me..

So, to buy herself some time, she suggested we eat first. She chose KFC. ^__^

She ordered herself a (1) one piece chicken meal and a (2) salad... I was surprise at how much salad there was, and wondered if she was going to be able to finish it all.. well.. i ordered some chicken and hotshots, and followed her to our table.

thats when she started picking on me. haha.. ^___^

she picked on every single pickable thing about me... and even compared me to a toddler.. She kept on bringing up that stupid nightmare of mine.. the one that i refuse to write about. :P
hehe.. she was having a loooot of fun. Maybe a bit too much? >_< but i really did enjoy watching her laugh, and laughing with her. Even though it was at the cost of my pride and self respect :P

^____^

She was able to finish all her food. :)

The haircut I got wasnt half bad.. in fact, it was pretty good.. the only bad thing was that the barber made me bleed by cutting one of my pimples on the back of my neck. damn. I didnt even know i had pimples on the back of my neck. :P (she made fun of that too).

After the haircut, she showed me around "her" mall.. she showed me storyland, and told me that a little kid like me should feel right at home there. See how mean she was to me?? T_T

She then took me to the foodcourt where we split a (3) banana split and talked.. after a while, she got me to buy her some cheese fries (4) we talked some more...

then she got hit by a sudden craving for shomai (5).

^__^

that was when she said the thing she forbade me to blog about. :)

.... as i watched her board the tricycle, I was actually a little bit sad. I did not want to part.. but then, I realised that she spent a whole day with me. :)

That made me really happy.

Pessimism

2005-10-05T22:22:00.000+08:00

The jeepney drivers are negotiating another increase in their fare. The oil prices continue on their unwavering journey to the stratosphere. The crooked politicians are having a ball, and the people are paying the price. Our country is sinking fast, and everybody is screaming “Abandon Ship!” Problems are piled on top of problems on top of problems, and those with the power to fix them are nowhere to be seen. These things are starting to get on my nerves. Living in this country, I feel like a rat in an exercise wheel. It is infuriating. To make things worse, the fates seem hell bent on making me utterly miserable.

These days, I cannot help but think of life as a little kid with a magnifying glass on a sunny summer day. I am the ant that he just happens to be slowly but surely burning to a crisp. He has a sadistic look on his face as I scurry around, trying to avoid the heat, and he laughs whenever I get burnt. What can a lowly ant do against a kid with a magnifying glass, harnessing the power of the sun?

To make things worse, the kid has some friends. One particularly nasty one is named Irony. Irony has a really sick sense of humor. She leads you on, makes you think that you are doing the right things, and that everything is going your way. She then pulls off the mother of all practical jokes, and everything gets turned around. But she is not through yet, not by a long shot. Her favorite part of the day is when she gets to kick you while you’re down and let you know that you have brought these things upon yourself.

Beware her whenever you try to help somebody who is lost try to find their way around the campus. You will hear Irony’s giggles when that somebody pulls out a knife and tells you to give him all of your valuables. No wonder chivalry is dead.

Another one of Life’s wonderful friends is named Disappointment. He picks on people using hope. He holds it out in front of them, making them want it, work for it, and sacrifice for it. When he grows bored, he yanks it from their reach and throws it away, never to be seen again. He then laughs as his victim tumble, their floor having been yanked from beneath their feet.

You know you have been visited by Disappointment when you don’t get that job that you spent four years preparing for. You know that he is laughing at you when your girlfriend dumps you. He sticks around for a while, and enjoys his handiwork, then goes off to find another victim.
Then, there is Injustice, yet another of Life’s close friends. He is the most audacious of them all, the loudest, and the one who does the most damage. He makes things that should not happen, happen. He breeds inequality, hate, and violence.

When a murderer walks free, it is his handiwork. Whenever you get a failing grade because of a disgruntled teacher, you know you’ve been had. When he gets you fired from your job because you stood up for what you believe in, you know that there is something seriously wrong with the world.

It is times like these, when Life and his gang is really bugging me that I am thankful for the myth of Sisyphus. I am not going to turn over and let the little kid have his way with me. This is one ant that will continue fighting, with every single breath. Pointless though it seems, I take my solace from the fact that I am still alive. That I can still laugh, and that I can still live. So, bring on the price hikes, the intense traffic, and the pissed off teachers. Bring on Irony, Disappointment, and Injustice. Bring on the Magnifying Glass. One day, I am going to be kicking Life’s butt, and I’ll smile, and say “All is well.”

Bacon!!

2005-09-24T14:23:00.000+08:00

"So, umm.. pupunta ka ba sa party ni clang bukas?" I asked. I had the feeling that I already knew the answer, but ask I did, anyway. Anything for a conversation.

"Hindi eh." There it was. "Kasi, late na siya. Tsaka, gagawa ako ng powerpoint para sa Journ namin.. tsaka hindi ako papayagan ni mommy. Tsaka..." the stream of reasons went on and on. I just smiled to the handset and nodded. Then I realised that nodding wasn't really the smartest thing to be doing at that time, so I said "Okay."

We said our goodnights and she went to sleep. I did too. Rather soundly, I might add.

I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. For some insane reason, my heart caught in my throat. You know you have it bad when everytime phone rings, you hope, and kind of expect that it is her trying to call you. I ran to the phone and fumbled it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Good Morning po, pwede po kay jaypee?" It was a girl's voice, but wasnt hers.

"Oi!"

"Jaypee, Jewel to. Gagawa tayo ng project ngayon. Dun tayo mamemeet sa P.Noval."

"Uhh.. Okay." I tried to shake the sleep from my head. "Alam na ba ng iba?"

"OO. natext ko na sila. Kayong dalawa nalang ni Rei ang di pa nakakaalam.. I mean. Si Rei nalang pala ang hindi nakakaalam, pero tatawagan ko na siya."

"Okay.. sige, kita kita nalang."

"Okay, bye bye!"

I put down the phone and walked to the dining area to see what was for breakfast. Bacon.

My eyes widened. I looked around the house to see if anyone was awake, desperately hoping otherwise. Brother asleep. Sister asleep. Sister's Boyfriend asleep. Other sister nowhere to be found. The other other sister still probably sleeping off a hangover in the other house.

I greedily rubbed my hands together, and an evil smile spread itself on my face.

"Bacon!"

Soul Searching

2005-09-23T06:13:00.000+08:00

Two Words: Total Exhaustion.

Ever heard of the term SOUL SEARCHING? yeah.. I bet you soul search all the time.

Well.. everyone has his or her own way of soul searching. Some people cry, other people lock themselves in a room and try to not exist, and others meditate. Me, I run. I run like there is a pack of rabid dogs out for my flesh.

I run fast.

Sometimes, things get bottled up. Things that should be put out gets kept in. when the bad stuff collects, things happen. You implode.. or.. well, at least I do.

I just came back from such a run..

The problems in my life a are layed on so thick these days, I dont know where to start. So after.. wrongly.. venting on Ralph over the YM (sorry about that, man.. I just needed to let some things out. Please dont take them too seriously).. I got up, put on my shoes, and told my dad that I was going out for a run. His answer suprised me:

"10:30 na, ah.." he looks at me. "Babae?"

I just nodded.

"Sige. Ingat ka."

I had left the computer on, so he told me to turn it off. There i saw that ralph was mad at me. I tried to explain, but its like talking to a brick wall.. well.. im sorry, ralph. Dont be not my friend any more.

Okay.. so.. i calmly walked to our gate, and once outside, abandoned all semblance of calm. I ran. Ran with a fury.. Fueled by every single bad thing that has ever happened in my life.

I would run, and run, and run until I couldnt run any more.

I ran past a chapel, and remembered her.. If i was her, I would go into that chapel right now and pray all my troubles away. But im not her. And I need to run.

My mom, or lack thereof.. My stupid, mediocre grades, my dumb ass chicken torpedo behavior,
My dad... my highschool friends... bad memories. all those things I have kept inside fueled me.

When at last, I grew tired, I sat on the sidewalk. There, finally, I thought.

My anger was expended. I could finally think straight now.. and you know what.. think as i might, i couldnt piece a single answer together. Hell, I didnt even know the question.

I looked around and realised that I had no idea where I was. I was in some residential area I havent seen before. I decided to look for a cab and just ride home.

I had a hard time, finding a taxi.. since I was lost. But i finally worked my way into some main road and flagged a taxi down. It took a while for one to decide to go my way.

I spent the whole taxi ride, looking out the window... only seeing my reflection. Looking at the wretched being that I was.

When the taxi driver pulled over near our house, I took out my wallet..

I saw her picture. The one that she had given me.. the one that I whisper good night to everynight, right before i go to sleep. Everynight, without fail.

Then, i was flooded by memories.. the green ringed eyes, the covered smile.. the time she brought me to the chapel.. The sadness i feel when i see her sad.. the jumping jacks i want to do when i see her happy.. the time i held her hand, and she did not let go..

all of a sudden, I felt really stupid. So I laughed.. I laughed hard.

It was then that i realised, that try as i might to run.. to lose myself, to hide from my problems..

I would always find myself running back to her. That put a smile on my face.

So I payed the driver, got out of the car, and walked into the house, feeling much much happier. The ninja strikes again.

uhh.. here, fishy fishy fishy. Flame on!

2005-09-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

I feel another song coming up.. but.. later nalang.

I almost did something really really really weird today. It was scary.

I almost jumped headlong into the fountain in front of the Post office... and swam around.. maybe even sung a song.

It was scary how i really really really intended on doing that, and kinda sorta wanted to, in fact. All that for a smile.

Damn.. I must be nuts. Im losing my marbles.

But seeing her sad just depresses me. If my public humiliation would make her forget her troubles, even for a day. Then.. Damn it, its worth it.

"The Cool Points are out of the window and she's got me all twisted up in the game"

hahaha.. never thought in a million years would i find myself quoting that piece of sh!t quote =))

Peace out!

==================

Oh yeah.. the sap-factory in me was working over time again tonight..

I just finished watching a movie.. Love Actually.

Haha. it made me happy. ^_^ It was kind of cool, actually. Very feel good. When i grow up and become a father, I wanna be like the dude liam neeson played. and if I ever get a son, I want him to be like the kid in that movie.

and.. and..

damn.. I was touched the way the best man guy went up the the wife of his best friend christmas eve and told her (well.. not exactly told her, but.. showed her, written on a bunch of cards.. ARGH, watch the friggin movie)..

With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
shows her pictures of hot girls
But untill then, I just want to tell you without hope or agenda
Just because its christmas
That to me, your perfect.
And my wasted heart will keep on loving you
untill you look like this..
he shows her a picture of a mummy.
Merry Christmas.

waaah!
^_^

bakit ko memorise yun??!

pero, diba? ang sweet. He loves her, and expects nothing in return. He gets a kiss then tells himself that that was enough. ^_^ good guy. I guess.. yeah. Love is strange.

Argh. tama na nga.

ang baduy baduy ko naman. leche.

para maredeem ko naman ang machismo ko, isang matinong quote na galing sa movie na yan..

"Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs...

Become a pop star, and they give you them for free."

Peace out!

Maritess, oh maritess.. wherefore art thou, my maritess?

2005-09-17T09:27:00.000+08:00

I miss maritess.

I havent seen her around, lately.. I wonder where she ran of to? Maybe she went out with my sisters. I wish that they'd tell me if they are taking maritess out.. because seeing her bed empty kinda gives me the creeps..

come to think of it, I havent seen her in months. Oh, my. Maritess and I have some catching up to do. Too bad I cant seem to find her today. The cheering competition is in a few hours, and I dont have her to help me preserve the memories.

Such a cruel, cruel world.

Maritess, asan ka?!

---------

Mahirap mainlove sa manekin. Scratch that. Mahirap mainlove. Scratch that. In love ako. Therefore, I conclude that all is well. Eargh?

Like, totally whateverr! hahaha..

peace out!

I'll drink to that!

2005-09-15T20:55:00.000+08:00

Hands down, the single best inuman session I have had in recent memory.

Mayrics bar, after jamming.. kanina lang.

Sherman, Jene, Clang, and I.

It was the first time I let myself go.. and allowed the beer to get a hold of me.

Haha.. im still a little bit woozy. Feels Good ^_^..

I said a lot of things that I normally wouldnt have said. I learned a few things. came to a few conclusions.

Conclusion number one:

Matapang ang Colt 45.. mas lalo na pag 2 1/2 bottles ang tunggain mo.. at hnd mo dinahan dahan.

Conclusion number two, onwards

Mahirap magbilang ng pera habang may tama

Masarap magsabi ng sama ng loob habang may tama

Si jene, bumabait at sumiserioso at tumitino pag may tama

Si clang, matinong kausap pag may tama ka :P

Si sherman, nanliligaw kahit may tama.

Astig mag commute habang may tama, at baha, at nakikinig ka ng MP3. haha.. aliiiw.

ayun. sana wala akong hangover bukas.

Peace out!

wahoo

2005-09-13T21:07:00.000+08:00

bouncing round from cloud to cloud, i got the feeling like im never gonna get down.

walls rock..

ang saya saya kaya..

ang galing talaga mag advice ng wall na un. ^-^ wahoo! now i know exactly what to do.

walls rock.

mirror, mirror, on the wall...

2005-09-08T15:15:00.000+08:00

Recently, I have been exhibiting some very un-Jaypee-like behavior, surprising even myself. Its amazing how insecure I can get. I pride myself on my confidence, that I admit sometimes border on cockiness.. I have immense faith in my ability, in myself, and in my way of doing things. So when something/someone rocks the boat on this confidence, I get affected.. BIG time.

It pisses me off, that a stupid picture, or some wayward paranoid thoughts could get me so down. Paranoia? Insecurities? Me? Its laughable.. but its true. I guess that when one feels a certain way for a certain someone, things do not always take their usual route. It is incredible how a single person/thing, no matter how insignificant, or mundane, can throw your way of thinking out of wack.

Ngayon lang talaga ako naging selosong tampururot na madrama na ewan. Sish.

Anyway, the buck stops here. I refuse to be anyone other than who I am. I dont get jealous. I dont get mad. I am not a melodramatic saptacular fatalist. I am Jaypee: Master of his own fate. Pillar of truth, justice, and love. A fountain of hope and life in a world sorely in need of such..

..and the bestest fish in the sea.

damn straight. angal?

Uhh..

2005-09-02T12:39:00.000+08:00

I, Love, and You..

To me, those three words are the most dangerous ones, especially when used in that order..

The mere utterance of it to another makes things a lot more complicated. It makes you weaker. You just handed your heart to someone.. sabi nga ng dashboard:

"my heart is yours to fill or burst..
to break or bury..
or wear as jewelry.
wichever you prefer."

Your heart is in their hands.. its up to them what they do with it.. and theres nothing you can do about it. They can tear it up.. throw it away.. or just simply leave it there.. beating. Just beating... on and on.. with your love for them. Painfully beating, uncertain if it is beating in vain.. holding on the the sliver of a chance that it isn't.

If youre lucky, however.. you get a good response. Perhaps in exchange for your heart, you recieve the other person's. Fair trade. Everybody is happy. This is the scenario that everybody wants.. but only a precious few ever experience.

Love is a complicated matter. Proclaming love is even more so.. It is something you should only do when you are absolutely sure about whay you are doing.. and fully understand the depth of the act.

Its scary.. but the sad thing is.. when you ae sure, you are compeled to let it be known.. you take a leap of faith.. a big chance.. a HUGE GAMBLE... with your sanity. your heart.. Your playing russian roulette with pain. The payoff is huge.. as is the price.

Damn.. Love sure is as complicated as complicated gets...

Pagbigyan niyo na ko.. minsan lang ako magreflect tungkol dito....

Yiiikiii

2005-08-28T12:20:00.000+08:00

^_____________^

Everything is right..

Im feel like I am floating.. like I am way up in the exosphere right now.. ^_^

Sleep comes easy. Good sleep. Sleep with good dreams..

and I wake up, feeling GREAT.

I walk around looking like an idiot with a perpetual smile on my face.

Theres a spring in my step that wasnt there before..

The bottom line is.. finally.. after such a long time, I am Happy. All thanks to one person.

I realise now.. theres no hiding it anymore. Its plain to me. Plain as day. Its staring me right on the face.. and I walk around pretending not to see it. But its there. My smile betrays it..

yeah, its scary.. im terrified.. but at the same time, excited.. and.. though im not sure what comes after.. I want it to be out on the open.

yiiiiiikkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah.. if youre the mushy type (as i learned recently that I am... =P).... and like to read graphic novels. i suggest you pick up After Eden by Arnold Arre. Its Gooooood.. ^_^

diba, mamaw? ^_^

**end note**

jaypee..d n kta tatanungin sa family mo..its too private..bsta tandaan mo, mabait c GOD. d ka Niya hahayaan bumalik sa bad past mo..

dahil binigyan k Niya ng mamaw pra makayanan mo yan..

~Ralph M. Francisco.

Hayop humirit!!

^_^

2005-08-25T18:30:00.000+08:00

Hahahahahaahayyy...

Today.. rocked. ^_^

After class, Mamaw and I ate at McDo and hung out.. we just.. talked about every little thing.. I love talking to that girl.. everything just feels right when I do..

We talked and talked and talked utill we ran out of things to talk about. then we talked some more. ^_^

Poor girl probably wanted out already.. but I didn't want the conversation to end, so I held her against her will. haha :P

It was fun because I got her to open up to me, at least a little bit. She isnt such a closed book to me anymore.. some of her mysteries have been lifted.. but upon being lifted, I find that there are many more things to learn about and from her. I want to know them all.

I have never seen anyone so fragile... it makes me want to help her realise that she is stong. yes.. that is what I shall do. I shall help her realise her strength.. her beauty. Those things are so obvious to me.. I sit in silent wonder as to why she is blind to them..

I love the way her mind works, and how deep her thoughts are. How mature her oppinions are.. and the way she said them.. I find it extremely endearing how she smiles then tries to hide it with her hand.. though she doesn't need to, because she has a very sweet smile.

today was a good day... ^_^

Bah!

2005-08-22T19:03:00.000+08:00

My day started like shit.  As it progressed, it turned out to be pretty good, but near the end, the shittiness returned.

I woke up at 6:30 AM.  My father cannot be counted upon to wake me up anymore.  He cant even be counted upon to help me get my fricking cellphone fixed.  My cellphone functions as my alarm clock.  Without it, I can sleep clear through the morning.  I told him that already, and doesn’t seem to care.  Fine.  If I end up getting an FA for both my first classes, im going to rub in in his face.  Cheap ass miser.

Because of a promise to a certain someone, though, I cannot allow self to get an FA.  So I got up, rushed to shower, and took a friggin taxi. That’s a hundred bucks down the drain.. when I asked him for taxi fare, he simply said: “Diba wala kaung klase nung Friday?”  Asshole.

Needless to say, I got there late.. fuming mad.. with a cap on my head since I didn’t even have time to apply hairgel.  Looking like shit.  Feeling like shit… I knew this was gonna be a bad day.

But as it progressed, and I got to laughing, I took it back.  After a few hours of jokes and noise, I was able to put back that mischievous perma-grin on my face.  The good streak lasted all the way through PE.. its peak was when we finally completed the song in aaron’s dorm. and reserved for a jamsession tomorrow at 1:20. With chartz and Jan.

My mood came crashing down after PE.. because.. well.. yeah. I’d best keep that to myself.  Cause.. “A Blog is not a private thing”.  I guess not all people read the disclaimer.

Top it off, it rained.  Hard.  And there I was, without an umbrella.

Bah, no problem. It suited me perfectly to get wet today, so get wet I did.  Don’t be surprised if I don’t go to school tomorrow.

Damn math..

“All my questions are going to be answered in a few hours…”

This had better be good.

This family is getting harder and harder to cope with.. I feel trapped in my own house.  I envy aaron for having his own place.  Damn.  If it wasn’t for my mumu, I don’t know If I’d last as long as I did here.

I just really really hope mumu didn’t have anything to do with the… thing.

Inuman Session

2005-08-18T18:30:00.000+08:00

Downloaded this plugin that should allow me to enter posts into blogspot directly from Microsoft word.  Might make my blogging life a bit more simple.  ^_^

Lets see if this works out.

Just got home from a long overdue inuman session with RB.  Damn.  That was fun!  Its been soooo long since the last time I drank with those guys.. hell.. its been a loooong time since I drank period.  Drinking gives us an excuse to talk.  To talk about everything, be it meaningful or not.  Of course, most of the stuff that we talked about definitely falls under NOT, but there were some profound instances that really made me realize what inuman sessions are really all about:  Not getting shattered, and ending up puking all over your friends lap.. It is something deeper.. inexplicable.  It goes past the sharing of ideas and the bonding, and the deepening of relationships.. The act of drinking with friends.. bah.  I cant explain it.

Don’t get me wrong.  Theres a huge difference between drinking with friends and getting drunk with friends.  Drinking with friends is perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that.  Alcohol, ingested very sparingly, and under the right conditions, is good for the soul.  It loosens you up.  Allows you to be more open for other people.. that’s why my bond with Arcee, Sherman, Paolo, and the other D’Fort dudes and dudettes are so deep.  Because we spent a fair share of time sitting in a table, drinking and talking.

Getting drunk with friends is something only stupid people do, and I personally don’t like it.  I understand that the buzz one gets can be quite.. cool.. but compared to the next day agony of a hangover.. no thanks.

Yeah. Now, lets see if this plugin works…

looong entry.. been a while, so might as well make it worth it :P

2005-08-14T11:49:00.000+08:00

Things are going great. At last, I wake up without feeling sorry for myself for the crap that I would have to go through throughout the day. I wake up, actually excited to get out of bed. To look at my cellfone to see if she texted.. and when she did, damn. I know its gonna be a good day.

Yeah.. I am a bit unsure as to my performance on the exams. I dont care. I'm not happy like this very often, and I wont spoil it by obsessing over that stupid ass exam on steroids COPYRIGHT made. Quite frankly, even if I fail that exam, I am confident in my ability to catch my grade back up. Yeah. Im THAT fired up.

My biggest problem right now would be my Cellfone. Damn thing is all screwed up. For some reason, it wont charge. So I switch my battery to another fone (that can charge, but cant read sim cards >_<) to charge it... but that doesn't always work. Sometimes, like some irritating toddler who doesn't want to take its medicine, when I plug in the charger, the phone just beeps and says: NOT CHARGING. Nyahahahaha. Mweheheheheh. ^_^

The bulk of my time.. well.. not only mine, but also my brothers and sisters, and their respective boyfriends.. is being eaten up by our current addiction to DOTA. Haha. See, our family is opening a Computer Shop, and we are all doing our share in "Stress Testing" our network by playing DOTA for hours on end. Haha!

Hmm.. oh yeah. Friday, we ate at Momos. I kinda missed the fact that they have no noise policy.. meaning that you can be as loud as you want without fear of reproach. Haha. Sherman came, and started.. umm.. attacking me. Hahahahaha.. rather brutally, I might add. It didnt take long for Paolo, Christine, even Clang to start jumping in. It was open season on my private life. Haha.. Now, understand that I love these guys, trust them with my life, yadda yadda yadda, but when it comes to matters of, say, my heart.. I wouldn't go near them with a 10 foot pole. Haha. Its not that I can't handle their constant streams of jeers and jests. In fact, I kinda like the attention :P Its just that somethings are more complicated that they appear.. and their jeers and jests may make a fragile situation shatter. So, to their questions, I put up smoke screen after smoke screen, dropping breadcrumbs that lead to dead ends.. Yeah. When dont want to tell you something, no matter what you say or do, I wont tell you. Or, I might tell you something just to shut you up.. its up to you to figure out if what I said was true, or was a load of caca.

Saw Patricia today. Yeah, I used to crush on her, with her funky reddish hair and her out of this world fashion sense.. But today, I saw her.. standing there, having hun, and I was smiling.. because I look at her now not because I am infatuated by her.. but because by a single virtue, she reminded me of another person.

Ohh! ohh!! oh yeah!! The weirdest things happened to me before the last exams. I got to school early, and decided to let rei help me review for the natsci exam.. lot of help that did. When Valerie came and wore those dreaded Shades of tears.. yeah.. them shades she wears whenever she has been crying. I asked her what was wrong and she emptied out her heart. After she did that, I tried to make her laugh. when she did, I knew she would be okay. My mind drifted back to the imminent exams and I realised that I did not have a ballped. Idiot. After asking my friends if they had an extra to no avail, I sat down in frustration, trying to figure out what to do.. guess what happened next? My eyes fell upon a ballpen, lying on the floor.. waiting for some poor ballpenless soul to come and end its loneliness. I obliged. God is good. Then, we went in the room. It started pouring.. and I started worrying that I would get wet bacause I forgot my umbrella (big surprise.) Well, when I sat down and looked at the board, guess what I saw.. not one, but TWO lonely umbrellas just lying there waiting for some poor umbrellaless souls to come an pick them up. God Is Good. All the time.

Luck of the irish? :P

Bujujuy/Bujuy/Patrick/Butrick/Monster Bassist-slash-Composer/Buboy/Bakulaw... yebah!

another song.. woohoo..

2005-08-10T21:21:00.000+08:00

Jaypee the bassist/composer strikes again. I did not know i had it in me to write POPish songs.. and mushy ones at that. well, a song is a song.. and this is a special one.. because.. because... un. Gusto ko talagang lagyan to ni paolo ng rhythm. Pag may time na siguro...

Musmile
Radyo Bandidos

You set me on fire.
Burning, hot with desire..
To prove to myself that there is more to me.

You light up my darkness.
Replaced it with light
Gave me my inspiration…
Now im ready for the fight.

It’s the million and one little things you do...
That make me do these things for you;
Like the way you talk and the way you move..
In ways that are truly, only you.

It’s the million ways you make me feel..
like I can reach the moon for real..
like I can fly passed the milky way..
and give to you a star.

It’s the million things only you can make me do..
Forget my troubles, push on through..
Spend whole days, stupid grin on my face..
Walkin around, lookin a fool.
Skipping stones on flooded street..
Hopscotch on a busy day..
Sniffin flowers I pass by
All because of you.

You set me on fire.
Burning, hot with desire..
To prove to the world that You are mine.

You eased up my turmoil
Replaced it with peace.
Gave me my motivation..Found me my missing piece.

damn..

2005-08-06T08:10:00.000+08:00

"I dont want to lose you, though I can never have you. I am trapped in the cusp between loving you and fear for what will happen if I do."

I was thumbing through a book yesterday when I read that.

some kind of sick joke? haha. Well, needless to say, I put the book down and went to sleep. Damn book ruined my night..

Makes you think, doesnt it?? Makes me want to lop off my own head and slap it for even entertaining such thoughts.

well, see ya round.

Tambay Blues

2005-07-31T17:36:00.000+08:00

My happiest memories in life, and the ones most appreciated, are those moments when I am doing absolutely nothing with the absolute best people.

I really really really ad infinitum miss the TAMBAY sessions..

Like early freshman year... the daily before class tambay sessions in D'fort with Arcee, Paolo, Sherman, and, occasionally, Xam. That was the best. Doing nothing with the right people... I derive a unique happiness from that, induplicable any other way (Redundant?!! ^_^).

And that time we went to Jene's house and just talked... that was Jene, Sherman, Clang, Doray, Xam, and I. I cant help but feel the pangs of nostalgia everythime that memory comes to me. And I smile. Because I remember the utter contentment.. the security.. and the peace that I felt with Doray sleeping in my arms and all my friends poking fun at every little thing. It was... indescribable.

Then, theres the Tambay session we had in Intramuros, before clang's friends arrived. There, I got to appreciate the absolute trust we had in each other... and there, I saw the deepness, and strength of our bond.

God. I miss those tambay sessions.

With a different set of people, there was the tambay after Track and field, waiting for our next class. That was fun, too.. through that time, I got close to the most interesting people.. Like Phoebe.. and Valerie.. Ralph.. and Dave.

Gosh.. i miss those tambay sessions. Where have they gone? Do we not have time anymore? I would give anything to feel the way I did in jene's room, in intramuros, or in D'fort again..

Where has the time flown off to?

i miss 1jrn2.

Jam Session Extraordinaire...

2005-07-29T15:09:00.000+08:00

Woah. that was awesome...

I just got back from a really really fun jam session.. It was, actually, the best one we had so far..

Sure, Mayric's studio wasn't all that I thought it was.. the cymbals were cracked.. they only had one guitar.. the string of the bass guitar snapped.. But inspite of it all, we put together, DECENTLY, I might add, THREE songs.

THREE.

Where as.. in our previous jams, we couldn't even play one song from start to finish.

Charts, Dave, and Jan really really really helped. They were awesome. Jan.. was scary. She is so talented, she should be banned from drumsets. She aught to be illegal. =)) damn. when she came into that studio, and sat down on the throne.. that was it.

There were a few times when I forgot I was even holding a guitar. She knew only one's drumbeat by heart... and she knew it well. Binaon niya kaming lahat. My hang was mouthing open :P Half the time she was playing.

Dave.. I remembered his skills when we put together that "apology song" for sir bong. He was awesome. in a span of 30 minutes, he had the rhythm.. and had helped me with the bass. He is great with the guitar, too... He helped us in cleaning up our sound... and was just a really really fun guy to jam with.

Then, there was Charts. Sadly, we there was only one guitar... but whatta voice!! it was so nice that jene did not mind singing backup. She gave our jam session direction.. It was the Charity Dumpit show. Another Talented gal. She even taught me a few bass chords. o diba? galing!

Paolo was at the top of his game. ^_^ even though there was something wrong with the chord or the amp of this guitar, he played his parts beautifully.

Jene.. haha. i was surprised at how well he was able to put some emotion to his voice. Iba na talaga pag inspired... gimme a C! gimme a L! gimme an A-N-G! what's it spell??? hehe..

I guess I did okay too.. :) paano ba naman.. may naniniwala sa "gwapong bahista" niya.

It was great to be in a band that could actually finish not one.. but not two.. but three songs in one hour.. I think we did better that 7:00.Adobo's early jams. I think this band has the potential to even surpass my old band. :) maybe. if we join a BOTB, we would end up getting more than 4th place. hehe.

haay.. im just euphoric. its been a while, i guess..

mwek!

hoooly crap

2005-07-27T18:36:00.000+08:00

man.. i had the mother of all headaches today..

I woke up feeling like someone jackhammered my skull open while I slept.

My eyes were blurry.. and throbbed.. and I wanted to make like oedipus and gouge them out... to put myself out of my misery.

Our Journ report was a haze.. i dont even think I was conscious through the damn thing.. I had tears in my eyes by the time natsci came around.

looking at a computer screen during computer class did not help me much.. by the time it ended, i had to get home and skip theo.. este... philo 5.

I slept.. like an egyptian mummy.. for a solid 4 hours and woke up refreshed.. and still in my uniform. I hate it when that happens. Oh.. minus the pants, at least.

**kasi.. walang nagwish sakin ng gudnyt.. binangungot tuloy ako!! >:(

out! ^_^

Epiphany

2005-07-25T10:09:00.000+08:00

"Our past does not dictate who we are, it just shows us the way we were... Just as our present can't dictate the way we are going to be."

something along those lines.

I couldn't believe it myself when I typed that on my cellfone. ako ba un??

I guess when a friend needs you, you bring your A game. I found it extremely umm.. interesting how much we had in common.. especially in our past.

Think back.. im sure you watched your share of american Elementary School movies.. yeah.. remember the dork who gets shoved into the toilet (called a wet willie)? Or.. the one that gets stuffed into a locker? the one nobody wants to talk to.. because if they did, they would be uncool by association? haha. That was me.

Then I hit Junior High and moved to Hawaii. Determined to make things better for myself, I did a complete 180.. going from being pushed in the locker.. to being one of those that pushed. I was an asshole. I was compensating for the crap I went through in the mainland. I let it get to my head.. I was the skater/surfer/rocker/jock punk that everybody liked.. or hated.

Then I pissed of my mom and got sent to the philippines. I was forced to look into myself. Forced to reflect. After a few years of trying to figure out how i fit... here I am. As you know me today. You know what I learned? The above statement.

Those I were at the past.. and who I am now. are three completely different persons. I learned to just put everything that belongs behind me behind me. And work my way from there. Yeah.. I know. I still got a lot of work to do. Im still a bit too cocky.. too impulsive.. too.. erratic.. but im sure in a while.. I'm gonna get it right.

=====
Just like you can, Musille. Yeah. You got some baggage from your past.. but look at yourself now. You have a lot of things to be proud of. A lot. More than most, in fact. So dont be afraid to be proud of yourself. You'll never have to worry about going home by yourself anymore.. or be the only one in the classroom.. or that you'll never have anyone to talk to.. or share your lunch with. You're never gonna be alone. Not any more. You have way too many friends for that. ^_^

Sound Trippin

2005-07-23T19:32:00.000+08:00

For the first time ever, i am going to post songs in my blog for no other purpose than posting songs..

See if you spot the hidden theme.. and if you can get an inkling as to what I am feeling right now.

Prize to the one who gets it right!

*ehem*

NFG, All about her

Let me practice this
before I say it to you
I know it might come out wrong but I want it to
Another chance to fight
Another way to make it right

So forget all of your chances
It's up to you to follow through
Forget the way she was
Cause it's the things she does that make me

Sing about her
She knows I care about her
She said be gentle boy
You show a lack of character

Let me work this out
Before I come back to you
I know you
Sometimes hate the stupid things I do
Another lonely night
Another way to make it right

So forget al of your chances
it's up to you to follow through
forget the way she was
cause it's the things she does that make me sing about her

she knows I care about her
she said be gentle boy
you show a lack of character

there is no other way this girl is so all about me
I'm sorry I can't help the way
Cause it's the things she does that make me
Sing about her
She knows I care about her
She said be gentle boy
You show a lack of character.

Good Charlotte, Time after time

She makes me laugh... she'll make me cry
And when we talk, she wonders why
That I can't breathe into this life
With the things she says I want to die

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time
After time after time
Cause you're all I wanted to find
Go...

And I would drive the whole night through
Just so I could spend it with you
I know you're mine
And I hope it's true that when we fight, we will make it through

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time
After time after time

Cause you're all I wanted to find

I'm falling... down

Cause you're all I wanted to find

Dashboard Confessional, As Lovers Go

She said, "I've got to be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken,
I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy!
What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"

"No, you've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But i swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong
All wrong
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made,
What's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest,
I've been waiting for you all of my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane.
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Tonight
Tonight
You've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go. So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go. So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go. So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

mwahahahahahah!! ^_^ this takes the prize. ANG PINAKA WALANG KWENTA KONG POST AS OF YET!! =P

The silence is deafening

2005-07-17T19:05:00.000+08:00

I hate it when things get quiet. Whenever everything is so still that I can hear my lungs fill with air, I cant help but feel uneasy. Queasy, in fact. It is during this time of quiet that I feel the most naked, the most vulnerable.

I am forced to look at myself. That is the reason for this apprehension..

Myself is the last person I want to look at.. because I may be able to fool the world, but in the stillness of the silence, I know:

I cannot fool myself.

Someone, please.. make some noise. The silence is deafening.

Acquaintance Party..

2005-07-16T22:47:00.000+08:00

Considering everything, the night wasn't bad at all. In spite of myself, I was able to squeeze a little bit of fun out of it. =))

I spent the whole night picking on Paolo. Haha. Fun, that.

Right. It was basically the same deal as last year's acquaintance party, except louder, and the girls were prettier. The new batch has some pretty promising lookers, and quite a few caught my eye.. most especially that 1jrn2 candidate. She was stunning.

Enihoo.. I (re)learned something tonight. I abhor cigarettes. As soon as I got my first wiff of second-hand smoke, it was downhill from there. There is something about its tarric smell and ability to make my throat itchy that just ruins the night for me. Thats why I got so turned off with Pucca.

I even gave some friends some sass because they lit up right in front of me. I should know better, since the place wa a BAR.. but I just dont see the sense in sucking your life away through a burning stick that stinks up the air around you, gives you bad breath, and yellows your teeth and fingernails.

haha.. before this blog entry becomes a campaign against smoking, I better go to another topic: The Girls. Yeah, there were a lot of cuties, and normally, that would be reason enough for me to be going around asking for names and numbers.. and dances.... and getting laughed at three out of five times. But tonight I wasn't really into it. I did not even make conversation with the girl sitting next to me for like fifteen minutes (inspite of Ivan's.. umm.. "encouragements"), uncharachteristically me.

Why?

Because I had too much stuff in my mind. I wasnt "in the prowl". I wasnt in the mood. Theres my imminent departure for the states, my rocky (a huge understatement) situation in my family, and certain doubts, fears, and insecurities that recently made themselves known to me.

Plus, I thought I looked like a figgin goofball with my.. I dunno what to call that.. thing that I wore. I knew I should have just gone with my initial instinct and wore my printed shirts. Nooo.. I had to ask my sister what to wear. Oi vey. Jaypee, you have no fashion sense whatsoever. :P

Right. Well.. Maybe the bar scene isn't my beat. Ill take a slammin rock concert over a dance party anyday. I was actually a bit scared that the random lights would cause me to have epileptic fits.. I did find it fascinating how the on-off effect causes everything to look slowmotion, however..

Jaypee, you should be ashamed of yourself. Diba, game ka sa kahit ano?? bakit nagpaka wall flower ka ngayong gabi?? Ewan ko na sayo. Bahala ka sa buhay mo. Sinira mo ang reputation mo na ikaw ay isang "fun guy". Leche. <--- an example of an intrapersonal conversation that I am having right now.

I guess tonight showed me that I am not interested in meeting some new people at this point in my life. Hmm. If I look at it that way, that means that at some futuure point, perhaps I'm going to be having a lot more fun in this type of situation. Just not yet.. So, I guess this night wasnt a complete waste of time. I did learn a few things.

Allright, Im out.. got a few things to think about.

Alright already!

2005-07-15T18:10:00.000+08:00

I have been avoiding the Wire Tapping Scandal ( i refuse to call it Gloria gate because i find it appalling) for its whole duration, on the pretense that ranting on about it will not accomplish anything. I would not touch on that topic with a 10 foot pole.

But damn, man. Nakakainis na.

Merong rally kanina sa Espanya. De-Megaphone pa. "Patalsikin si Gloria! Baguhin ang Systema!" Hindi ba nila nakikita na wala silang nagagawa kundi maging sanhi ng napakatinding trapik sa Espanya. As if Espanya did not have ENOUGH traffic problems on its own, they HAD TO ADD a huge mass of people on it.

Hindi rin ba nila nakikita na ang audience nila ay puro mga tao na nagagalit dahil gusto na nilang makauwi, pero natatagalan ang biyahe nila dahil sa hinayupak na rally na iyon?!

Okay. Now for my views.

It is personally of no consequence to me who sits as president. I dont give a rat's ass if it is Gloria, Noli, FPJ, or even Lacson. All I care about is the person's ability to run the government, and run it well.

Being President means that you are a SERVANT of the people. We are a DEMOCRACY, after all ( though it may not feel like it somethimes), not a dictatorship or a monarchy. Being president does not make you a higher being. It gives you tremendous responsibilities, for the weight of a whole country is in your shoulders. The Democracy is a government for the people, by the people. The Problem with ours is that our lawmakers forgot that. They let their power into their heads and it corrupted them. It got to a point that you don't know who you can trust anymore, and that is a harbinger or collapse.

And thats what we are doing. We are collapsing. We are going down, FAST..

I agree with the protesters when they say that change is needed. It is badly needed. The problem with the rallyists today was that they were out for blood. They are invoking their constitutional right of free expression, yet forgetting about the DUE PROCESS OF THE LAW. If they want justice for Gloria's Grievances, they should call for an IMPEACHMENT. After all, did we not learn in PGC that loss of public trust is grouds for such? But then again, our system is so corrupt that we are not even sure if we truly HAVE rights.. and if due process truly does exist in this country.

The only way out that I can see, is through the Filipino People. Through EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the philippines to SHUT UP, and GET TO WORK. the world has enough politics. Shut up for a few years and concentrate on the country. Lets see how far we get.

.....

2005-07-15T18:04:00.000+08:00

Ignore the last post. Damnit, life sure sucks. Our trip to Mayric's did not pan out. I counted my chickens before they hatched. Dave wasn't "allowed" to go (i dont blame him).. Jene's Money "Mysteriously disappeared". Paolo and I had to drag our sorry asses to Mayrics and cancel our reservation. Any Idea how embarassing that was?! And Sherman was a No show.

Then theres the aquaintance. A total of SEVEN people are attending. SEVEN. Paolo and Charts had 20 something votes that got them into this mess. thats half the class. out of that half that VOTED FOR THEM, only SEVEN were decent enough to support them.

Man, Im losing faith in everything.

I am out of here.

Mayrics

2005-07-14T20:20:00.000+08:00

I remember a conversation I had with 7:00.Adobo years ago..

"Balang araw, tutugtug tayo sa Mayrics."

Mayrics is a very well known an very well respected bar in Manila. Sabi nga nila, kung makatugtog ka dito, sikat ka na.

Well, here I am.. Studying my bass riffs for our Jamming tomorrow. In Mayrics.

I am excited, because, at least partially, obscured though it might be, this old dream is being realized.

I know, i know.. napakababaw naman ng kaligayahan ko.. praktis session lang sa taas ng Mayrics, excited ka na. well.. I am, so BACK OFF! <--- hehe.. Happy Gilmore!!

It isn't only because of Mayrics.. It is also because Dave agreed to help us out. Dave is a great musician and having him help out the band, or having him as a member of the band would be a really big huge giganting push up. I hope things work out, cause there are still a lot of variables that can easily flip this thing around.

Anyway, come what may, I tomorrow will be a good day. Ger, Ance, Ton, Torks, guess where I'm gonna be tomorrow!! :P

Writers Block???

2005-07-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

I think I'm letting my writing skills slip. I think I'm letting myself slip. Damnit, Jaypee.. you have to concentrate.

I think that all the shit that has been dogpiled on me is finally showing its effects. I can't even get a decent grade on an essay question. I can't organize my thoughts anymore. When I look at the paper, I keep drawing blanks. Getting a zero on the essay part of MG's test did not help me none. I barely passed my Journ test. I am positive that I flunked the Filipino Exam. This is starting to get me down.

Right now, I am facing a 3-5 page paper on Aisin-Gioro PuYi. How the hell am I supposed to get this done at my current state?! To top it off, I HAVE to leave for subic at 4 AM with my mom tomorrow. No way out of it. That leaves me with LATE TOMMOROW NIGHT to finish 1/3 of my History grade. Shit.

Eynihoo.. I'm sure my cramming powers will not let me down. I'm just kinda worried.. for the first time ever, I am doubting myself, or rather, the course I am in. Is Journalism really right for me? I mean.. my passionate hate for math leaves me with slim pickins for a career, but I can't even hold my own in writing. Am I doomed to do something I do not like for a living? Craaap.

Tomorrow is for tomorrow. Today is for today. And right now, I want to get some sleep.

HENRY PUYI!!!!

Traffic Sucks/Spur of the moment.

2005-07-05T20:27:00.000+08:00

I'll be hard put to find a feeling more exasperating than the feeling I get while sitting in an FX, stuck in traffic. Especially when the Red light I have been Eyeing for the longest time finally switches to green.. Only to switch to yellow, and then back to red, while the FX I am on is still stuck in a cage of bumpers.

It's driving me bonkers.

It is hard enough that I have to get up so early in the morning in order to get to school on time. I am not a morning person. We had such a wonderful afternoon schedule last year, it seems so cruel and sadistic to cold turkey us into the early morning shift. Even now, I have to literally force myself up in the morning, not wanting to wake up. This results in me going through the day with a sub par energy level. Add the traffic, and I have to bump up my waking up time a further 30 minutes. That is so totally sucky, the word sucky doesent even fit the bill. Damn.

Where the hell did all this congestion come from, anyway?! I expected it during the "Gloria Gate Revolution" but it is now more or less blown over (in terms of the rallying) yet the traffic remains. It is like the fates are hellbent on making me late for Journ.. or English, depending on the day.

The only upside to all this fender bending situation is FX Girl. Were it not for the congestion, I probbably would not have had the pleasure of her company, micro second though its duration may be :P but I swear.. If I have to pay anoth er One Hundred Peso Taxi Fare in order to get to school relatively on time, I'll have a major fit of road rage.
==================================================================
In other news- Band Scene

The Local Band, Radyo Bandidos is experiencing some turbulance. Lead Singer Jene Fulgencio apperantly ticked off drummer Christine Cambal with some of his trademark stupidity and mental retardedness (:P). It all started when RB Bassist JayPee Cayaban took out his MP3 Player to listen to a few songs. Cambal requested to share in the soundtrip with her friend, but Fulgencio interrupted, telling her "Wag ka na! Papalitan ka na namin!"

Cambal, understandably hurt and insulted, told them to start looking for a new drummer and stomped away from the pair, kater sharing her heartaches with the band Lead Guitarist Pao Montecillo. Pao Montecillo then confronted the two, asking them why they did what they did. Cayaban promptly pointed at Fulgencio and replied "it was all him." Fulgencio had no reply. Cayaban and Montecillo both agree that the fault lies in Fulgencio, amd think it best that Fulgencio take the necessary steps to mend the situation.

Cambal is adamant about quitting the band, utterly insulted by Fulgencio's scalding words. Montecillo is having second thoughts about the band, and Cayaban thinks it's all going down hill.
In defense of Fulgencio, he states.. "Pasensya na.. aning kasi ako eh."

Reminds me of the time my momma scolded me for calling a girl "cootie breath" when I was six years old: If ya ain't got nothing good to say, keep your friggin mouth shut.

Ohh! ooh!! and that time she got pissed off at me for hogging the cocoapuffs: "ang Madamot, Mukhang Kulangot!"

FX Girl

2005-06-30T17:41:00.000+08:00

A week back, something strange happened to me, that for some effed up reason refuses to melt out of the recesses of my memory bank, unike MG's Chinese History lecture a few hours ago. Allow me to utilize the flashback technique to take you back to the time of the event.

It is 6:15 am, thursday, June 23. I am standing in front of the bathroom mirror trying to figure out weather or not to gel my hair. I figure I should, because the tube of hairgel is nearly empty, and the sooner I use it all up, the sooner I get to try that "hair wax" thingamajig my friends rave about. I squeeze some on my palm and run my hand through my hair, mussing it about until I was satisfied with its mussiness. I was going for a windswept, just got out of bed look, but settled for just plain messy.. and sticky. I am not used to using hairgel anymore. I turned on the tap water and washed the stickyness off of my hands. I then grab my toothbrush, squeezed toothpaste onto it, and started brushing away.

After brushing my teeth, I grab a towel to dry up my hands, and toss it into the dirty clothes bin. I then grab my bag, which was waiting for my by the front door, and headed to the gate. As I opened the gate and stepped out, I took out my cellphone and looked at the time. 6:25. Calculated commute time to UST, considering the congested traffic this past few sdays would be 30 minutes. Just enough time. I put my phone back in my bag and took out my MP3 Player. I put its strap around my neck and its earphones into my ears, and started listening to random songs.

I know that in order to make it to school on time, I need to catch the very first available FX. Unbeknownst to me, a person behind me was in the same hurry. After aminute or two of listening to the song: Dont Stop me Now by Queen "... That's why they call me Mr. Farenheight!", I spot an FX coming my way. I flag it down, and through the magic of hand signals, learned from the driver that there was room for one last in the back. Perfect. So as the FX pulls up beside, me, I walk over to the rear and put my hand on the latch to open the rear door. "Dont stop me now.. Cuz im having a good time.. having a good time."

I pull it open, and she makes her move. The person behind me times it perfectly and just as the door cleared my eyes, I see her taking the LAST seat. Utterly dumbfounded at the sheer audacity of it all, I give her a look, while holding the door up. She turns toward me, and brushes a few wayward strands of black hair from her face. **Despite what had just happened, I found my mouth hanging slightly open. Damn, she was cute. What this cute girl would say and do in the next few seconds would haunt me to this very day. **

She gives me a wink. Her left eye came down, ever so slowly, and her left cheek and lip gloss glittered left corner of her perfectly shaped pink lips rose to meet it. I am frozen, dumbfounded, just dumbly holding the door open. She completes her slow motion wink, and opens her mouth ever so slightly. In a really beautiful voice, she says the only word she probably would ever say to me: "thanks!" She completes the combo with a killer smile.

I was utterly stupefied, petrified for the whole second it took for the whole thing to occur. When I finally regain my motor functions, I look at the people around her and entertain the idea of paying them to relinquish their seat. They all seem to be enjoying their seats very much. So, with one last, glancing look at the girl, I close the door, and step back to the curb wondering "what the hell just happened?"

I stood there, in stupid contemplation, letting FX after FX pass. When I finally catch one, I spend the entire trip looking out the window, still trying to wrap my mind around the event, and replaying the wink, the thanks, and the smile over and over again in my mind. Who was that girl?

Hahaha..

Well, Up to now, I still cant understand how that girl disarmed me so easily. But I do know one thing. I want to meet her again. It is strange to start crushing on someone who steals your seat on an FX, and probably will never see again, but, hey. I AM a strange person.

FX girl will be haunting me for quite some time, I guess.. and whenever I see a black skirt (like the one xam wears) or a uniform similar to the AB girls (except instead of blue, it was black), I remember the second when I had lost control of every aspect of my being. I remember the wink, the smile, and the cute voice.

When I shared this story with friends, they laughed and asked how someone could make me crush on them by simply stealing my seat. I think it was not the act of stealing my seat that got me. I think it was the confidence it took to be able to do that to a complete stranger. It was the wit, intelligence, and cunning it took to know how a guy like me would react to that. And it was the smile. Yes, mostly, it was the smile.

FX girl, till we meet again.

Bend and not break

2005-06-24T00:49:00.000+08:00

Instances in our lives occur that suck out all of our will to live. They form black holes in our souls, leaving abysmal voids where there used to be light. Such an experience left me without a spark of passion. It took from me my feeling soul and left me a cold husk of that which I once was.

I prided myself in my uncanny ability to bounce back, to take the blows unscathed. My resilience was uncanny. I have endured so much this past few years, that I am surprised to still be a functioning human being. I guess even the malleable of materials have a breaking point, and I have reached mine.

My kryptonite turns out to be family. When it comes to the myriads of hardships in life, I have no problems in coping up and do not become adversely affected. But when it comes to my familial turmoil, I am easily brought to tears. Why is it that no matter how much some girl hurts me, I shrug it off with out a problem, yet whenever my parents argue, I feel like retreating to a hole somewhere?

I always thought of my family as a contrary to the first line of W.B Yeat’s poem. I considered them as my center, which shall forever remain sound. But this past few months have brought about so much tremors that I see it faltering. Things fall apart; the center cannot hold.

My immune system is kicking in, however, and I am coming to terms with the fact that my family is one of the millions that fall into the category of broken. I now have enough conviction to stand up and declare that I will not allow myself to use this as an excuse to screw up my life. I now find within myself the strength to smile, even laugh. I refuse to allow those black holes in my soul to persist and suck out all the life in my life. I am going to continue breathing. I am going to continue living, and living well.

Im Sorry

2005-06-06T02:04:00.000+08:00

Shattered. I have never felt so broken in my life. It is incredible how so insanely quick it was. Quick and excruciating. The pain is unbearable.. it feels like a drop of acid eatingits way through my body and soul.

Its all my fault. If I had just done what she wanted.. If I hadn’t been so selfish.. none of this would have happened. For years I have been burdening my family.. Now I cost them their mother. What a plague I am. Everywhere I go, ruin trails. I guess it is to be expected. My very existence is one of great wrong. I can honestly say that literally, things would be better were I never conceived. Not being conceived means my father an mother did not screw around as they have. If I was never born… My siblings would have no reason to shed tears right now.

My purpose is to ruin.. I serve my purpose well.

A trip down memory lane

2005-06-04T11:02:00.000+08:00

Dielle YMed me a few minutes ago, and told me that she revisited her old home in Maui, Hawaii.. We got to talking and I realised just how much I missed the rainbow state. I got to thinking about my old friends there.. and my old schools, and my old haunts.. I guess I grew nostalgic.

So I googled my old high school.. and was suprised to see that it was doing quite well. It sure has changed since I left... upon further browsing, i saw a familiar name, Francis P. He was my best friend back in hawaii.. and he actually seems to be doing pretty good for himself.

I decided to see how my old friends were doing and googled them one by one.. Well, most of them ended up in the Honolulu Advertiser with awards. Haha.. It looks like my old barkada had turned from tambays to great achievers. It was interesting what time could do... They were silver medalist cooks, star varsity basketball players, expert webmasters, and reporters.

Haha.. I never would have guessed. Makes me wonder how different I would be if I had stayed in Hawaii...

hmmm....

all dressed up with no place to go.

2005-05-21T19:06:00.000+08:00

AHaha.. i spent like.. three days trying to figure out what to wear to particia's party. lets face it. when it comes to style and fashion, I got the short end of the stick. Well, i finally found me some decent enough semi formal (IMHO) stuff to wear, when wouldnt you know it, a bunch of stuff dogpiled into one another... so, here i am, all dressed up, with nowhere to go..

See, I was kind of relying on tey to go, so that i could go with her. Cause lets face it.. she has a waaaaaaaay better sense of direction than I do. Well, she got sick and cancelled. I then tried to text everyone I knew.. but noone replied... haha.. am i under some kind of text ban or something?? :P.. Then the kicker: I just recieved news that my grandma's turning 90 tomorrow. So.. yeah, that kind of tears it ^_^.

I feel horrible right now, because I really wanted to go.. Trish is a very interesting person that I want to get to know just a little bit better, and this was as good an opportunity as ever.. but, it didnt work out. I feel really bad because she had named me one of her eighteen roses.. I was touched by the gesture, and it is making me not being able to make it that much worse.

Argh. Basta. Patty, sorry sorry sorry talaga!! Babawi nalang ako.. somehow! ^_^ Happy Eighteenth Birthday! May you have many many many many more..

May you live as long as you want, and not want as long as you live. =P ^_^

In other news, My portable cd/mp3/vcd player (/fax machine/printer/scanner/molecular teleporter ) just arrived. woohoo!! I was actually worried that that e-bay thing was some kind of scam.. but, it all worked out, smoothly, too.. save for some complication here and there.. Now, I am busy busy busy filling cd after cd. ^_^ haha.

at siyempre, si abuelita. Mama Bita, angaling mo!! 90 years old!! Happy Happy Happy Birthday po. I love you!! ^_^ C ya tomorrow. =D

Ironic, ain't it?

2005-05-19T18:31:00.000+08:00

Irony.. Damn, theres nothing like it. Its like a slap in the face. Imagine waking up one day and realise that you are what you hate the most. Imagine hurting the ones you love. Imagine, despite all your efforts of doing the right thing, you end up doing the wrongest thing possible..

Machiavelli said the end justifies the means.. but what if the end was not what you had in mind? Does that mean you screwed up royally along the way?

Probably.

Life loves Irony.. It loves revealing its twisted plot at the end, leaving you shattered and broken.. trying to understand how the hell things turned out the way they did... its like some sadistic suprise.. like an evil jack-in-the box, all of a sudden popping out holding a sign: "Everything you thought was was not. Everything you are, you arent." Then with some sick laugh, throws an egg in your face.

Im sure Irony can be your friend too.. but god.. I hope that it extends it's hand soon.. Cause right now, Irony seems like somthing to be avoided.

See ya round, people!

Im too lazy to think of a title. =P

2005-05-17T15:12:00.000+08:00

Alright, a few things are weighing me down right now, but no worries.. no point in weighing YOU down too, right? Time to focus on the silver lining...

I am excited, because, finally, I am going to have my own CD player. No more mooching off Ralph or Pau. Muahahah. I am finally going to be able to listen to all the songs I want without having to worry about returning anything. I am SO going to go crazy burning stuff... muwahahaha.. It should get here by tomorrow. I got it off E-bay.. handy thing , that... good thing I discovered it.

Of course, the heat is still here.. i guess this is what we get for allowing the ozone layer to get so thin.. So, I guess theres no point in complaining about the heat.. because as far as I am concerned, it is karma. And its about to get a whole lot worse. Good thing I'm used to the sun :P /no1.

Patty is going to debut in the twenty third.. Im excited becaue im expecting to see a whole lot of friends there. at last.. human interaction!!

My sister's Korean Fever rages on. She spends the whole day downloading korean dramas, korean movies, and pictures of korean actors. Sad to say, I think she's rubbed off a bit on me. :P Last night, after watching (for.. like... the seventy fifth time around) an episode of Full House (in original Korean language, of course, english subtitled), she decided to take me by the arm, and go on a chu-chu bar raid. We went to our nearest Korean Grocery store and found before us a plethora of korean frozen goodies. I grabbed me a Chu-chu bar.. which actually tastes pretty good. and she grabbed what looked to me to be a pink water baloon.

When she opened the pink water baloon, pink strawberry ice cream started to gush out. She had to stuff it in her mouth so that she wouldn't make a mess.. haha.. she had to walk around sucking on a baloon until she emptied it. It was funny as hell. Leave it to the koreans to make such a fun(ny) snack.

my new band of interest is... My Chemical Romance. They have such a unique view on life, as is evident in their songs. I guess its not for everyone, because they do have a dark, angsty element.. but i find that kind of cool. as longas they dont over due it.

Well, im off. Enjoy! ^_^

Identity Crisis

2005-05-16T11:02:00.000+08:00

Geez.. this is infuriating. All of a sudden, Half my friends are pissed off at me, and I have no idea why..

Yesterday, a friend of mine (I am not sure if the term is even valid anymore, but i refuse to publish his name) threatened me, and "shouted" various obscenities.. He told me to stay away from my ex and went on and on and on about me being an asshole for what i did to her..

The thing is, my ex and I havent exchanged two words in like.. a month. And the last time we did, I thought we parted on a reasonably good note. To make it worse, trying toget in touch with her is like trying to get in touch with... with... argh. I cant even think up of a simile to compare it with.

Obviously, shes pissed.

Well, my only hint as to this situation was earlier when another friend, my only remaining link to my highschool life, informed me that an old account of mine, johncayaban@yahoo.com was online.

Thing is, that YM account, as well as two others was HACKED i repeat.. HACKED last year. I thought that it was just some trojan horse prank virus that my pc sucked up... I thought it was jsut some bored hacker trying to make things difficult for the world... but then... all of a sudden, my account pops up.

and along with its popping up are the threats of a terible death and the deadma. So, whoever the hell it is that hacked my account must have some big grudge against me and schemed this from a YEAR ago.

Please, please... know that the YM accounts j_cayaban317, johncayaban, and other variations are all hacked accounts, with the person behind the keyboards deadset on making my life a world of hell.

On another issue, I cannot believe how stubborn people can get! I mean.. They wont even give me a chance at an explaination, when I have no idea that any of this was happening. I dont even know if this guess of mine is true.. but its the only thing that makes sense.. Its too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence.

If they think about it for a few minutes, Im sure that they will see some semblance of reason.. but they refuse to think... they are too pissed off at me (?!!) to think. Fine.

Good News

2005-05-14T08:04:00.000+08:00

Tataas nanaman ang pamasahe
May nataob na byron bus..
tumaas na ang ang kailangang pamalengke
abot langit na ang presyo ng Gas.

May napatay nanaman na dyarista,
dahil sa perang nag paparang bula..
Sa nangyayari sa ating ekonomiya,
di magtatagal, meron nang benteng barya.

Nagugutom na ang tao, nagpapakasarap ka diyan
masyado nang marami ang walang pinagaralan,
sakit ng ulo, puso, at tiyan.
Kuryente, tubig,
pagkain, damit,
Renta't metrikula...
iba pang gamit..
kailangan natin para mabuhay,
bakit hindi natin maibigay?

bakit kaya andaming nagtataka
kung bakit tayo parang daga sa lumulubog na bangka.
kung bigyan sila ng dahilang manatili,
malay mo, umahon ang bansa.

Huli na ba ang lahat?
wala na ba ang pagasa?
naghihintay ba ako sa wala?
sa paghihintay sa magandang balita?

** Kelan kaya ako makakakita?
Sa aling Dyaryo ba ako makakabasa?
Saan man ako tumngin, puros problema
Asan, asan.. aang magandang balita?

Araw araw, i-on ang TV
Buksan ang dyaryo, makinig sa radyo..
Balang araw, pag ating pinagtulungan,
balitang maganda, sana ating makita.

a song or poem that I wrote last night (haven't decided yet.. need my band).. Inspired by an episode of Magandang Gabi, Bayan and 24 Oras. Was it just me, or has the news been more and more depressing lately? Im not going to stop until i hear/read/see a little good news. This is so sad.

Happy birthday phoebe!

2005-05-04T08:00:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Phoebe's Birthday. It coincided with the day maam ledesma told me that she would be at school to help me with my still missing ID. I got there at 10:30 and found that she wasn't there, so, too bad for me. Still ID-less.

After all that work, I had a decision to make: to travel to Las Pinas to celebrate Pheebs' birthday or to go home and continue... well.. breathing. haha. I decided to taake my chances and head to las pinas. After all. I needed an adventure. I never gone that far by myeself before. And I miss my friends very much. So, despite my terrible sense of direction, I embarked on an adventure to a very strange land. :P

The journey there wasn't really that tough, surprisingly. I only got lost once.. trying to find lawton. Haha. somehow, I ended up in SM manila. ^_~

Well, when I got there, Valerie was already there and so was Dave. It was nice to see em again. Everybody had changed ever so slightly. Not necesarily for the bad, too. We ate the food that was there, we drank the drinks, and yakked on about every little thing. But as the day progressed, I found that eah one of us four had something weighing them down. I had mine, Valerie had hers, Phoebe did too, and so did Dave.. It was something that we all tried to keep to ourselves but was painfully obvious at times.

Haha.. enough of that. On a lighter side, experiencing phoebe's family has been a treat for me. Everyone is so nice. Her mother and uber cute little sister, that is. Everyone gets along so perfectly. That is how a family should be. Walang deadmahan, walang sigawan, batukan, at kung ano ano pang defect. Ingit ata ako. =P Pheebs is a great big sis, from what I saw last night. and as a result, her little sis is a great one, too. Haha.. well.. astig.

I have decided to salvage the summer. I have three goals that I swear I would accomplish: 1) I would go to puerto galera before it ends by myself if I have to. 2) I would learn to drive (haha. naaliw ao kay dave.) and 3) I will finish my previous goal for situps and crunches that I set when the summer began and totally forgot about.

And, hey. Just in case you are a person who hopped into my blog with some problems of their own, remember what my man marley said:

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
"Don't worry about a thing,'Cuz ev'ry little thing gonna be all right.
Singin' "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Listen to the three little birds,man. Marley's never wrong.

'Ja Mon! ^_^